


Heart Like Yours Is Rare To Find

by whinydany



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Anal Sex, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Attempt at Humor, Bottom!Dan, Domestic Fluff, Eventual Romance, Explicit Sexual Content, Fluff and Smut, Forced Masturbation, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Masturbation, Oral Sex, Phanfiction, Rich!Phil, Sexting, Slow Burn, Slurs, Smut, Strangers to Lovers, Submissive Dan, Swearing, Texting, but i'm a demon, dom!Phil, this is good i swear, top!phil
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-05
Updated: 2018-01-18
Packaged: 2018-12-24 07:41:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 32,579
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12008151
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whinydany/pseuds/whinydany
Summary: "That's when he saw it: a pair of pink panties were in the middle of his room. He could hear the sound of the water coming from his own bathroom, and a sticky noise standing out. He walked slowly towards the noise, realizing the door was ajar and glanced at his shower.Dan was there, his head against the wall, eyes closed, naked. His hand was doing a rhythmic movement, his mouth letting out soft whines, while drops of water descended his body."or in which Phil hires Dan to clean his house and they end up getting all dirty





	1. one

**Author's Note:**

> hey! thank you for reading! just a few things:
> 
> 1\. just wanted to say i'm spanish, therefore english isn't my mother tongue and there will be a lot of mistakes, so feel free to correct me, i'll appreciate it! this is my first english phanfic and it's going to be a mess
> 
> 2\. i'll be posting once a week, on saturday/sunday!
> 
> 3\. feel free to talk to me on twitter! i'm @whinydany 
> 
> thank you again and enjoy! :)

'But why? Why do you have to leave?' He asked, shaking his head.

Rosa was an old lady, that was right. He had been working for Mr. Lester for almost 3 years (the same amount of time he had been needing her), and she was already 60 when she started cleaning his house. Deep inside, Phil knew she had to go.

He had found Rosa on a very windy day. It was march and he thought England was something like Spain, and feeling the summer vibes, he got out to the park with some papers and a pencil, ready to scribble something. His "summer experience" turned into hundreds of sheets flying away, and him losing his patience trying to catch them all (he always tells this story like that, proud of his little joke). That's when Rosa came into scene, with a bunch of broken papers hanging in her hand, waving at him. Phil had kissed his head and asked her seven times to work for him, swearing he needed her. She said yes the fourth time, but he was too busy trying to explain why a 25-year-old could need help in any way to listen to her. Every now and then, they would laugh together at the memory of their little adventure.

'Honey, you know I'm too old for this job. My back keeps complaining about the nerve wrecking that is cleaning your stairs. I'd love to keep coming here every day, but my body doesn't allow me to do such thing.' Rosie said, not looking at him in the eye, 'Besides, I'm sure a lot of people are willing to work for you'

Phil had money, that was right, he did have such a big amount of money he didn't mind spending a lot of it in things he didn't really need. But this, oh lord, he needed someone to clean after him. He was a living mess, a white hole of chaos, he didn't even know a person could be this clumsy and yet, being this successful.

After getting his degree, Phil had worked for a lot of people he didn't like, thinking all his creativity was being wasted. A thought came to his mind one day, so he decided to quit his job (the third one in a month) and use his few savings to give life to an idea.

One year later, at the age of 24, Phil Lester was known for owning one of the biggest publishing houses for new authors in London, 'The Lion Stamp'.

'I need you!' He kept saying, wishing a lot of praying could save him from looking for someone new. 'I'm a mess by myself, Rosie! What could I possibly do without you?'

'I know, I know, Phillip' she said, with a very raspy and soft voice, taking slow steps towards him. 'That's why I'm looking for someone to cover my back when I leave. You can relax, I'm not leaving this place until I know for a fact you wouldn't die here. And by that I meant tripping over because you left a sock - or a piece of glass, who knows - on the floor by accident.'

'Oh my God, Rose, I'm going to miss you, you know that, right?' He said, stroking her hair softly, wondering if anyone could ever be this nice to him.

'Yes, dear, I know, and I am going to miss you too. But you can always call me if you need some advice on your work or your beloved boys' Phil blushed and turned away from her, trying to hide his face.

'I didn't mean what I said earlier, I want you to leave now' he said, giggling a little and pressing a hand against his cheek, hoping the redness would go away.

'Sure, dear' she said with a big smile on her face.

* * *

 

The next day, Rose opened the door of Phil's office just in time to watch how his nose drowned in the cup of coffee he was holding.

'Oh, h-hi Rose!' He said, wiping his nose with the back of his hand. 'I just... I mean-I was wondering if the... you know, still hot.'

'I have found him' she said, ignoring his stutter.

'Who?'

'Your new boy! My legacy, Phil" she said, and Phil couldn't help but laugh.

'And how are you so sure? I mean, for all I know, he could be a serial killer.'

'And still manage to keep you alive, dear' Rosie covered his mouth with her hand, trying not to show off her smirk.

'Hey, I feel attacked!' Phil made a weird face and Rose handed him a paper.

'He is only 20 years old, but he is a very nice boy. He has been working in the new shop near my house for as long as I've been going there'.

 _'Dan Howell'_ , he read in this mind, _'that's a nice name'_.

'You want me to hire a cashier to clean my house?' Phil asked, feeling a little bit sceptical.

'Listen to me, Phillip, he is the one who cleans up the store! And I swear to you I've never seen black tiles shine like that before' 

'I'm not sure, Rosie, I've never met him. I would like to test him, if that doesn't sound too weird' he said, reading the rest of the paper. 'I want somebody to watch after me, not only a living rinse aid.' 

'I know that, dear, that's why I called him yesterday and asked him to come in and introduce himself to you today' 

'You what?' As he got up his chair, his whole coffee spilled on his table, winning a laugh from Rose. Just in time, the doorbell rang and Rosie said, amused:

'This is his first challenge!' 

Phil rolled his eyes as he approached the door. _'This is not going to be a good idea'_ , he thought. A young boy could never take care of him like Rosie did. He was 100% sure of that. This was the first of many candidates Rosie was going to look for before he settled down with another nice old lady because that is was he needed. Someone to look after him, not some young boy with a nice name who needed the money and his only-

When he opened the door, the voice in his head forgot everything but five simple words.

_'Oh boy, he is pretty.'_

* * *

 

Phil was an adult. He was in charge of many decisions in his company, including the big, relevant ones. He had the capacity of choosing the best authors, the best books. Everybody knew Phil _could_ make great decisions.

But right now he was really doubting himself.

Dan Howell had been in his house for almost forty minutes and Phil was losing his mind. All he could think at the beginning was that he would never hire a good-looking guy because of his appearance. He had denied a lot of novels because the writers didn't know the difference between their and they're. He knew how to make realistic decisions, for God's sake.

But he wasn't only a pretty boy, he was fast, like really fast. Just ten minutes in, this boy had managed to clean his desktop table, washing the dishes and making Phil another coffee.

Phil couldn't get his eyes off of him.

'So, Dan, why do you want this job?' asked Rose, understanding Phil's inability to speak.

'Well, I wanted to apply for another job for a long time. I don't get paid enough in my actual job, I only get to work there in the afternoon. You know, I'm in the middle of something like a gap year, trying to make some savings. I've done a year of my Law degree, but I couldn't afford the next one, so I took a gap year, and then another one. I know, it's kind of a disaster, I don't even know if I will be able to afford it one day' Dan was trying to smile, but he was clearly upset.

Phil was obviously struggling with this statement. A pretty, young, intelligent boy was applying for a job he was really good at. I mean, what else did he want?

'Oh dear, that's really sad, I hope you can return next year. And between you and me, Phil is a really generous man' Rose winked and Dan showed a real smile.

Phil, who hadn't spoken a word since the conversation began, cleared his throat and told Rose to speak with him in private.

'What the hell are you doing, Rose?' He said in a whisper, watching as Dan make himself comfortable on _his_ couch. Oh, God.

'Mouth, Phillip' she said with a frown. 'What is the problem? He is a delightful boy.'

'That's the problem, Rose!' Phil had raised his voice, and Dan was now staring at him, 'I can't make up my mind!'

'Phil, dear, I really don't understand you' she said, waving at Dan with a smile.

'Jesus' he said, and he let out a sight. 'Listen to me, Rose, I don't want to be carried away by emotions. I think this boy knew we would get passionate about his story and, therefore, I would end up hiring him with a higher salary. I mean, look at his face!'

'What is wrong with his face? He has a really nice face, don't you think?' She said, not looking at Phil.

'Oh my God, it's too late, he has used his psychic powers with you' Phil touched his forehead with both hands and let out a sight.

'Honey, I think you are overreacting. He seems a really honest guy, but it's your decision to make. You can always hire him and, if you don't like him, find someone new' Rose left Phil wondering 5 meters away from them.

A light bulb went on over Phil's head.

'Like a trial week' he said, speaking to himself now.

* * *

 

'A trial week?' Dan asked, curious, 'I don't really get it'.

'Ok, I'll say it again. I'm not sure if you are the person I'm looking for, so you will work throughout this week and I'll be kind of testing you. That's the trial week. I'll still pay you, of course, I'm aware of your financial situation.'

'So what happens if you don't like the way I work?'

'I... I mean-I guess I should fire you then' he said, averting his eyes.

'You seem really concern about that option' Dan was deeply staring at him, and Phil felt his cheeks burning.

'Maybe I don't want that?' He asked.

'Is that a question? Why am I at this trial week, then?' Dan was gaining some sort of confidence with every word Phil struggled saying.

'Well, I...'

'Don't worry, Phil' he interrupted, 'I get what you are saying. You will like me, I promise' Phil looked at him in the eyes just in time to catch what seemed like a wink.

 _'Is he..._ ' he thought, ' _Is he flirting with me?'_

'So basically' he coughed a little to retrieve his thoughts 'I want you to do the dishes, laundry, you know, the usual. I'm also hungry every two hours, I hope you know how to cook'.

'Yeah, sure' he responded. 'Cleaning, microwaving.' Phil chuckled.

'Also I will need you every now and then for another kind of things' Phil tried to push the blush away, he was feeling a little bit hot. 'I mean, not like that. I was not- whatever. I work for a publishing house. I mean, I am the owner, but you get what I'm saying. Sometimes I need outside of my head's opinions on the things I've got to read to clear my mind. It's hard to tell when a story is not only well written but also a good one.'

'You own a company? Wow, I'm impressed' Dan said with a smirk.

'What's that supposed to mean?'

'You seem too nervous all the time to be this big at your age' Dan was still smiling, amused. 

'Well, I guess that's not the first time I've heard something like that. I'm a little bit clumsy, you would have to deal with that too. You'll probably find my socks all around the house'.

'That's alright, I hope they don't smell too bad. Anyway, what is my schedule?' He took his phone, ready to write it down.

'This trial week I want you to work every labour day, like from 8 am to 1 pm. Once you have passed my test, we will sort it out' Phil said. 'However, I have meetings and events in here almost every week, so I might ask you to work some more if you don't mind'.

'Oh no, that's totally fine. I have to say I'm not so good at social events, but I know how to make some appetizers.'

'Speaking of which, I'd love some pancakes right now' Phil said, sticking out his tongue.

'I don't think pancakes are inside the whole appetizers thing.' Dan teased.

'I'm afraid I would have to fire you if you don't know how to make me some pancakes' 

'Alright, alright, boss' Dan winked, this time for sure.


	2. two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the shorter chapter! i promise next one will be a little bit longer
> 
> enjoy the fluff!
> 
> p.s. as always, let me know if something is wrong! i'll appreciate it :)

It was a quiet monday and Phil was still in bed, over thinking some work he had to finish that day (instead of actually getting up and doing it).

His room was locked and a little bit dark, and he had the feeling it wasn't going to be a warm and nice day. He was always up for a walk, but the weather turned him off constantly.

He glanced mechanically at the clock, not really absorbing the hour it was and got up.

His morning routine was very simple, so he just brushed his teeth and applied some moisturizer over his face. A little bit of five o'clock shadow was showing off, but Phil didn't feel like shaving that morning.

'What time is it again?' he asked to himself, checking his phone. 'Oh, half past nine and Mr. Howell isn't here yet. That's great, good'.

After the 'trial week' (which Dan had obviously conquered), they had agreed on a schedule of five days a week, four hours every day. That way, Dan could clean, cook, do the laundry and have the rest of the day to himself. It was a great deal for the both of them, and Dan was happy, seeing as his savings were increasing. Leaving that shop was the best decision he had made that year.

Phil walked down the stairs and he caught a glimmer of something from the corner of his eye. When he instinctively turned his head, he saw somebody in his lounge wearing the weirdest clothes he had ever seen. Phil let out a scream and covered his mouth with his right hand while trying to grab something to steady himself with the other one.

'Wh-What the fuck, Phil!?' Dan shouted, 'you scared the shit out of me, mate!'

'What are you doing here?' Phil cried out.

'What the bloody hell do you mean? I am supposed to work here, remember? You hired me like three weeks ago' Dan was completely triggered by Phil's attitude, so he tried breathing deeply to calm himself down.

'Oh my God, I'm sorry' Phil was about to cry 'You scared me so much, I thought you were- wait, what are you wearing?'

'Wh- This?' he said, pointing at his shirt.

'Yeah, you look like a lighthouse, maybe that's why I yelled at you'

'Oh, sure, blame it on me you weirdo', Dan said, and Phil stuck his tongue out at him, 'It's a holographic shirt, it's a new trend'

'And you are testing it at my house, without warning? I'm an old man, Daniel Howell. Next time send me a notice letter or something'

Phil didn't know when they have gained this sort of confidence, or what it was exactly, but he felt really close to Dan. Sure, he was his employee, but they had spent a lot of time talking those past weeks, and he had found he had a lot in common with him. Sometimes Dan had stayed until late in the afternoon, both not realizing they had been talking for hours.

One day, Dan had stayed so late that Phil had to ask him if he wanted to spend the night in the guest room.

'I really don't mind, I know your way back home takes you almost an hour' Phil had said, not actually waiting for his response and reaching the last shelf on a wardrobe for some sheets. 'Here, the guest room is right next to mine, as you might now because you come here every day'.

And Dan had stayed the night, expending most of it in Phil's hallway, between his room and the guest room, not wanting to end the conversation.

'I am very sorry, sir, I didn't expect you to be such a susceptible man' Dan decided against the voice in his head and added, 'I could take it off if you wanted me to'.

He was not looking at him, and Phil tried speaking about whatever but there wasn't really anything in his mind but the image of Daniel Howell half naked in his living room. _'Friends_ ' Phil spelled in his head, _'just f-r-i-e-n-d-s making jokes. Bros._ '

'I-I mean... It's ok. D-Don't worry' Phil stuttered, his cheeks burning.

'Well, anyway, your breakfast is ready. I made some pancakes half an hour ago, I hope they still at least warm' Dan said, 'I didn't expect you to wake up late today'.

'My fault, my sheets were gripping me against my will' he was glad by the change of subject, but he couldn't help but to think about pinning Dan against his bed, forcing him to stay quiet as he-

'So... Are you going to eat or not?' Dan asked, waking him up.

'Oh, yeah. Sorry, I'm a little bit off this morning' Phil shook his head and turned his back to Dan, heading towards the kitchen.

 

 

That evening, Dan had stayed to watch a movie together.

'Do you want some popcorn?' Phil had asked, tossing him a blanket. He had had a nice feeling in his chest, watching as Dan had covered himself with the blanket. It was nice, they were becoming more than just employer and employee, developing a great friendship. Phil didn't know why, but some days he had found himself looking forward to noon so he could ask Dan to spend some time together.

Trapped both under colourful blankets, they had binge watched an entire season of Buffy, only stopping for bathroom breaks.

* * *

 

'What is your biggest fear?' Phil asked, cuddling a pillow on his couch. It was almost 10 pm and Dan was still at his house, just like the night before. The couch was almost empty except for the little space they were sharing, both basically pressed together. 

'Um, this is going to sound kind of silly, actually', Dan said, softly touching his fringe. He was looking down, cheeks covered in pink, and Phil got even closer to him.

'Hey, I'm deeply afraid of insects, you can't win this' Phil had an unfamiliar feeling in his body, and his hand was caressing Dan's arm gently, 'C'mon, you can tell me'.

Dan raised his head and looked at Phil. Neither of them broke the eye contact, their smiles shining in his faces.

'You have really beautiful eyes, you know that?' Dan said, Phil peering at his mouth as he spoke.

'You don't have bad features yourself' they were almost whispering, not realizing there were only a few centimetres between them. Dan's smile grew bigger, glancing down at his hands, and Phil tried to assimilate that moment. It was so intimate there wasn't anything between them at that exact minute, not even air. Just the two of them.

'Are you sure you want to know that, my greatest fear?' Dan asked, playing with his hands. He looked so tender, half of his body hidden below a blanket, messy hair and tired eyes.

'Yes, go ahead. I'm all ears' Phil said, placing a hand over Dan's one in order to relax him.

Dan grabbed his hand without thinking and responded: 'I'm afraid of the dark. I know it sounds stupid, but it's more like the fear of the unknown hidden in the dark. Like, I don't know what is in there, and my mind tries to tell me _'there is nothing, you've just seen it_ ', but my body feels the urge to run away. It doesn't make sense, I don't believe in such things as monsters or aliens, but I can't help it'.

When he finished talking, he noticed he had been holding Phil hand the whole time, so he dropped it and lowered his head, ashamed. 

'I'm sorry' he added.

'Hey, it's okay. All fears are irrational, that's what they said. You don't have to feel embarrassed about it' Phil said, moving his arm so he could hold Dan's hand again. He just wanted to hold him in his arms.

'I know, I'm just... I don't know' Dan wouldn't lift up his head.

'Do you want to spend the night here? I could bring all my lamps to the guest room' Phil said, trying to cheer him up. And it worked because Dan let out a quiet laugh and glanced at him with a sparkle in his eye. There was a quiet moment, both looking at each other happily, almost as if they had been sharing their lifes and stories for too long. 

'I just need four, one in every corner of the room' he responded, making his answer a clear yes, and got up off the couch.

 

 

Before going to bed that night, Phil washed his hands at least four times, finding a little odd the burning sensation in his fingers. Five meters away, Dan pulled out his arm from beneath the duvet, smiling at the recent memory of Phil's hand holding his own.


	3. three

Wednesday was not as quiet as monday had been. A loud noise was breaking through his ear plugs and Phil was a bag of nerves.

'This is a lot of work' he said to himself, 'I can't do it!'

He was reading a 1000 pages long novel, and he needed to summarize it and decide if it was good enough for publishing or not. Tomorrow. Like in 18 hours top. He needed a break.

He got up from his chair and began walking in circles in his office. It was almost noon and he could hear Dan vacuuming the room next to that one - the upstairs lounge. The noise brought a thought into his head.

'Dan!' he yelled, coming out of his room, 'Dan! Hey, stop that!'

Dan was keenly focused on the dirty floor, humming a song. Phil glanced at his arms, his muscles, the drop of sweat on his forehead, his curly hair, and forgot what he was about to say.

'Hey, wait a second' Dan turned the machine off and looked at him, 'what's up?'

'Hey, hi' Phil's stuttering was becoming a normal thing, 'Um, I was just wondering... You know, I have a business trip to Oxford next week'.

'Okay, so what? Do you want me to come with you to sort out your life there too?' he asked with a smirk on his face.

'That's a great offer, but no. I'm staying only one night. The thing is that I have a meeting here next tuesday and I won't be in London until two in the afternoon.' Phil responded, 'I need you to be here, well-dressed, making some food and staying all day.The house has to be perfect, so it would be nice if you could come on monday and clean everything. The meeting will start around 4 pm. '

 

'Do I need to wear a suit?' Dan asked, scratching his head.

'Oh no, not like that. I'll buy you something to wear, don't worry, I just need your measurements.'

'You are buying me a suit? Woah, nice' Dan wiped his forehead with the back of his hand and Phil stared at him as he did so.

'No, I'm the one wearing a suit. You just need nice clothes'

'So you are saying that this shirt is not nice? Or that all my clothes aren't nice enough?' Dan teased with a smile.

'Hey, you are being a pain in the ass today, you know that?' Phil said, punching Dan's shoulder softly. Dan laughed and returned the gesture.

'Fine, I will send you my 'body info' tonight' He said, placing a hand on his hip.

'Actually, it will be a lot better if you did that now, I have some measuring tape somewhere, wait' Phil said, stepping out of the room and heading down the stairs.

He knew he had a lot of reading to do, but some strange force was dragging him across the house, telling him he needed to measure Dan in that right moment. He wasn't even going to buy him anything that day, it wasn't an immediate problem.

He just needed to measure Dan Howell.

When he returned the room, with his sight firmly set on the measuring tape, Dan got closer to him and grabbed it.

'Okay, don't look, I don't have my shirt on' as Dan said it, Phil's eyes drawn to his torso, taking in every inch of Dan's abdomen. Phil felt like he couldn't move, like his body wasn't responding to the loud voice in his head yelling ' _what the hell are you doing stop looking at him_ '. He didn't even know if Dan was aware of his staring. He noticed the movements in Dan's body as the boy laid the tape around his arms.

'Um, Phil, could you help me?' he said, and Phil finally diverted his gaze from his belly.

'S-sure, what do you need?' Dan was staring at him, with a grin on his face, clearly amused. He was almost naked, the only item of clothing covering him were a pair of boxers (too low for Phil's sanity).

'I need you to measure my waist' Dan said, still smiling.

' _You could do that by yourself_ ' Phil thought, but he didn't say it out loud. Maybe Dan didn't need his help, but he wanted to put his hands around him.

'Do you want me to- from the front?' the eye contact between the two of them was so intense that you could almost feel it.

'Yeah, sure' he responded. Dan's word navigated Phil's body and put him under a spell. Bewitched, Phil's hand began to move without his consent, touching his waist softly as he put the tape around him. His head drew closer to Dan's neck as his hands were circling his body. He could almost taste the flavour of his skin, enticing him like a siren song. He placed the end of the tape below Dan's navel and stayed still. Their heads were barely touching, both of them looking down, and Phil had the feeling anyone in the world could hear his heart beating. Dan's skin was so hot he was almost melting his arms.

'So, what does it say?' Phil asked, in a whisper, as he was incapable of reading anything in that moment.

'Wait, let me just-' and Dan lifted up Phil's hands, caressing his skin lightly, sending shivers up his spine. He broke down the contact as soon as the crippling feeling stopped.

'Okay, I think... I think you can finish the rest by yourself. I'll be in my office.' and with that, Phil was gone, leaving an almost naked and confused boy in the room.

 

 

 _'Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God'_ , Phil was shouting in his brain, pacing furiously around his office, _'what was that!?'_

It didn't make sense. Anything that had happened in those ten minutes seemed real. It had to be some kind of dream, in which Phil had finally discovered he felt strongly attracted to Dan.

 _'No, I don't feel that way. Dan is my friend, we discussed this yesterday Phil_ ' he kept thinking, ' _Not to mention he works for you. You almost sexually harassed an employee, for God's sake!'_

He did not feel well. His anxiety was paralyzing his entire body, leaving him trembling about the horrible mistake he had made. He had touched Dan and he felt something. A warm sensation, the desire to melt their bodies together, a relentless ache in his hand when he had separated them.

It was surreal.

 _'Great words Phil, are you planning on writing an erotic novel about a young boy? Is that the next step in your career?_ ' he thought, _'focus on your work, keep that boy far away from your thoughts and everything will be fine. Just- no more of that'._

 

* * *

It had been a mess. The following day to 'the skin incident' had been so awkward Phil didn't know where to hide anymore. He had tried the 'thought guy' move, leaving Dan speechless in multiple occasions because of his rudeness. Then he switched to 'friendly-mode', being such a bro they had seen a movie five feets apart cause they are not gay, dude. His last strategy had been being just his boss. Plain and simple, Phil was adjusting well to his new plan.

He was in his kitchen, pretending to be reading the newspaper when in reality he was only paying attention to his cereals.

'Hey, Dan?' he asked.

'Um, yeah?' Dan responded, raising his head to look at him.

'I'm going out today to have lunch, some sort of meeting', Phil said, not connecting his eyes with Dan's, 'so you can leave early today if you want to. You know, it's friday, have some fun'.

'Oh, that's nice, thank you Phil' Dan said, and Phil began to think the whole 'boss situation' was making things weird and unnatural. That wasn't something Dan would say, he was more likely to tease him with a joke, or ask to spend friday night together instead of having lunch with him. But it had to be that way, right?

'Anyway, I'm going up to my office' Phil said, dissipating his thoughts 'Remember I'm leaving next monday and you have to be here to help me with all the stuff'.

'Yeah, sure' Dan was talking so softly Phil almost turned to face him, but he decided to resist the temptation.

Once in his office, he let out a loud sigh and sat on his chair. There wasn't any way he could keep doing that acting in order to keep a distance between the two of them. It was hard, Phil already missed Dan, only two days after the incident.

But it had to be that way, right?

* * *

 

When Phil came home after his lunch, slightly dizzy because of all the wine he had had, Dan was already gone. He considered calling him, but he knew it was a cause of his intoxication. He opted for a text.

[Phil, 1:48 pm]: hi dan, did you try on your new clothes?

 _'That was a bit weird._ '

[Phil, 1:48 pm]: I mean, do they fit you?

[Dan, 1:49 pm]: was about to rn

[Phil, 1:50 pm]: okay, you can live stream it!

' _Oh my God. That is harassing.'_

[Phil, 1:51 pm]: Via text!! not like live on camera or anything, you know

[Phil, 1:51 pm]: lol

[Dan, 1:54 pm]: lmao ok calm down

[Dan, 1:56 pm]: I can send you pictures if you want

[Phil, 1:58 pm]: ok great :)

By the time Dan had sent the first picture, Phil was already regretting that. It was nothing like a conversation someone will have with their employees. The 'boss-mode' had to remain still, and that was not the way to do it.

Phil opened the picture and his jaw dropped.

'Jesus Christ' he said, putting his phone down and inhaling deeply. 'This is not how you do things, Phil'.

He could almost hear his thoughts out loud, questioning him why and when he had decided to stop being friends with Dan. It had been an irrational choice based on fear.

Fear of hurting him, fear of being hurt.

He didn't know what to answer. You could only see Dan's upper body in the picture, his arms were tight against the fabric of the shirt, and his collarbones were showing as the shirt was not properly buttoned. A bunch of pixels had made Phil's mind to completely mess up, his previous choices not making any sense.

[Dan, 2:07 pm]: what do you think? I like it

Phil didn't answer either, he was too busy having heart palpitations. He heard another sound coming from his phone and closed his eyes to steady himself.

'Okay Phil' he said quietly, 'you said you wanted to take a step back, right?'.

He hadn't been confident about his plan at any given moment, but he felt it may work if he tried hard enough. There were two loud voices talking to him in his head, one repeatedly questioning him what was the point of doing that. Why not give in to the temptation?

[Dan, 2:13 pm]: the pants are kind of tight, not really sure about them

Of course Dan had sent him a picture of his pants, so pressed against his body you could clearly outline everything that was under them.

The realization suddenly hit him: Dan was trying to seduce him. That was why he felt the urge to talk to him, and why his decisions didn't make sense anymore.

Phil got into the bathroom and wet down his face, trying to focus on his initial plan.

[Dan, 2:15 pm]: what do you think?

[Dan, 2:21 pm]: phil?

[Dan, 2:40 pm]: well let me know if anything is not formal enough. see you on tuesday

Phil read the last message and sighed loudly. It had been really hard not answering the rest of the texts, but he didn't want to sound rude.

He didn't know how to tell him he wasn't being a prick because he disliked him, but because he cared about him. There was no logical explanation for it.

[Phil, 2:42 pm]: it's perfect, see you on tuesday!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if something is wrong, let me now!
> 
> p.s. be patient... ;)


	4. four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don't act like you haven't been waiting for this
> 
> the best is yet to come!
> 
> let me know if there's is something wrong :)

It had been a long day, full of talking, discussing and arranging new meetings. Phil threw himself into the bed and thought about everything that had happened. His legs were sore, his throat dry and he had lost a contact lens. The best part of it was that his train back to London had been rescheduled two hours before the original one, so he had almost no time to sleep. Then he would get to his house and start organizing another meeting. Great.

His thoughts finally derived to Dan, unconsciously. He missed him. The boy had been quiet all weekend, only sending Phil a text to say “house is all right. see you tomorrow at 2 pm”.

 _'Wait, Dan does not know I'll be home early_ ' Phil thought, switching on his phone, ' _Maybe I should tell him something_ '

Or not. They hadn't talk anything in the past few days, it didn't make sense call him that late at night, knowing he would probably show up at 2 pm the next day, as they had agreed.

 _'Yeah, I'm probably right...'_ he thought, drifting off to sleep.

* * *

 

It was only noon when he got his keys out of his pocket. He opened the door surprised because he thought it would be locked. He clearly remembered locking it up.

'Hello?' he asked, stepping inside his house, 'Dan, is that you?'.

There was no response. The house was quiet, intimidating, and he wondered if someone could have entered.

' _It makes no sense'_ , he tried to calm himself, _'the alarm would have gone off, and the lock was not forced or anything.'_

He grabbed his suitcase and walked towards the stairs, slightly worried. As he was going up, he heard the sound of water and his shoulders relaxed, assuming it was probably Dan having a shower.

The first thing he noticed when he reached the last step was that the guest bathroom was empty. The shower was running in his bathroom, inside his room, the only room in the house Dan had to ask permission to enter. He stepped inside his room, angry, opening his mouth to make a violent noise. That's when he saw it: a pair of pink panties were in the middle of it. He could hear the sound of the water coming from his own bathroom, and a sticky noise standing out. He walked slowly towards the noise, realizing the door was ajar and glanced at his shower.

Dan was there, his head against the wall, eyes closed, naked. His hand was doing a rhythmic movement, his mouth letting out soft whines, while drops of water descended his body.

Phil, whose mouth had been open the whole time, fought hardly his urge to step inside the bathroom and finish the job himself. Just when he was about to run downstairs, Dan spoke.

'Fuck, _Phil_ ' he said and moaned right after. For a second Phil thought he had seen him, but that was not the case. Dan was just _thinking_ about him.

Phil turned away from the door, not knowing what to do. Dan couldn't know he had seen him- he had watched him do... that.

He quickly got down the stairs, worried, and sat on his couch, grabbing the first thing he saw to pretend he had been reading it. Ten seconds later he realized he had left his suitcase in his room and proceeded to hold his breath and walk silently upstairs. He knew the risk he was taking, he knew Dan could see him and he would have to declare he had seen him masturbate.

_He had seen him masturbate._

The mere thought of it caused an ache inside of his pants, and he stopped walking. He hadn't thought about what he felt about that. He was, of course, embarrassed of being the witness of something so intimate, and he had been so rushed to step out of the situation he hadn't noticed one thing:

He had been hard the whole time.

He pushed the thought – and the bulge in his pants – aside and kept moving. Whatever were his feelings, he had to get that suitcase out of the way.

Just when he was about to enter the room, he heard the water stop and the noise of a towel rubbing against the skin. He was screwed.

'Um, Dan?' he didn't know what to do, why was he even talking, 'I'm home'.

'Oh my God, what' Dan said promptly, 'I mean, hey, hi, I didn't expect you to come this early'

Dan got out of the bathroom and stared at him, waiting for him to say something.

'Yeah, I forgot to tell you.' Phil was speaking very quietly, almost like he didn't know how to speak at all, 'I just got here, you know. Like in this very second.'

'Oh, okay' Dan said, confused, 'Sorry for using your shower, I just finished cleaning the other bathroom for the guests and figured later I was stinking. I know I am not supposed to use it, I'm sorry'.

'It's fine, don't worry, it-it's okay' Phil was not glancing at him, 'just- let me know when you are finished dressing up so I can use it.'

'Hey, wait' Dan rushed to say, as Phil was already running out of his sight, 'hey, I'm done, I'll get dressed in the guest room.'

'Okay, great, thanks', Phil said.

'Just one more thing, should I change now?' Dan asked. He was dripping wet still, his hair curled and clinging against his forehead. Not to mention he only had a towel covering the lower part of his body. 'I mean, maybe you want to wait until the thing is about to start, just in case I stain the one-hundred-dollar outfit. Whatever you want, I follow your instructions'.

There was no way Dan wasn't doing that on purpose. He was talking so slowly, making a pause every two or three words, staring deeply at him. Phil thought about that time when he had said Dan had psychic powers, realizing it might be true. He felt paralyzed.

'Or maybe you want to see how I look in them, I don't know' Dan continued, gaining confidence. Those were twice as much the words they had exchanged in the last few days, and Phil's mouth wasn't responding. 'I don't think the pictures I sent you were that great'.

'We-well, I-I just' he babbled, 'I don't think, like, that's a good idea'.

'Why?' Dan asked with a smirk. Phil wasn't in control of the situation, he felt incredibly manipulated by Dan's word, whose seem really gentle coming out of his mouth. He was indeed under a spell.

'Because we- I mean I have things to do' he responded.

'It's only noon. We have four hours.' Dan was so straightforward Phil had to draw in a sharp breath to calm himself. That was beyond his limits, he couldn't resist it anymore.

'Okay. Try 'em on' he said quickly, standing still, not moving a muscle (well maybe just one).

Not half a second had passed and Dan was turning away from him and reappearing with a bunch of clothing in his arms.

'What do you want to see first?' he asked teasingly. 'I could start with the shirt, you didn't say anything about the shirt'.

'Yeah, sure' Phil said, thinking it was less risky than starting from the bottom.

He was wrong. In the exact moment Dan dropped the towel, Phil's jaw dropped with it.

Dan was naked.

In his room.

Just- no clothes.

Phil licked his lips, breathing heavily. He tried controlling his eyes, but they were set on Dan's cock. Dan was aware of his staring, so he put the shirt on, not buttoning it, and started massaging his dick until it was fully hard. Then he stopped and looked at Phil lasciviously. Phil's saliva was filling his mouth, his eyes travelling Dan's body. He was really turned on by his daring attitude.

'I said I follow your orders.' Dan said, and Phil swallowed hard trying to process it all. In his head, he had possibly more than a thousand reasons why that was not okay, but he wasn't thinking clearly.

'Take off your shirt, I don't want you to ruin it' He said, sounding much calmer than he was in reality, as his legs were almost shaking. Dan let out a quiet laugh, noticing he had won that round.

'Okay,' he said and folded the shirt annoyingly slow. 'What do you want me to do next?'

'Shut up' said Phil, taking control of the situation. 'Those were your panties? The ones on the floor?'

'Yeah' Dan responded, biting his lip.

'Put them on'

Dan obeyed, walking slowly towards the pink underwear and turning around, not facing Phil. He knew how to play that game. He bent over, exposing his whole body, and picked them up. Once he was wearing them, he turned again to Phil and smiled.

'What now, Phil?' Dan asked, and he gasped at the sound of his name.

'I said shut up' his voice soft, but dominant, approaching him as he spoke.

Dan finally got it and responded with a grin.

'You were getting off in my shower. I told you specifically not to go in there' Phil was still drawing closer to him, lowering his voice as he walked. Once in front of him, he placed his mouth a few centimetres away from Dan's ear and whispered:

'There is a punishment for it. I want you to touch yourself and come screaming my name.'

'Fuck, you are so hot' Dan closed his eyes and draw a hand near his panties, palming his dick over the fabric of it.

'I told you to shut up' he said, grabbing Dan by the throat and pinning him against the wall. That action caused a big moan to slip out of Dan's mouth, and he instantly pulled his cock from his underwear and began stroking it steadily.

He was groaning loudly, his dick leaking and his whole body quivering. Phil stuck two fingers inside Dan's mouth, moving them slowly and proceeded to suck them off.

'I bet that mouth of yours feels great around my dick' he said.

Dan was now frantically stroking his dick, shorts breaths coming out of his mouth, staring deeply at Phil. He felt really close to his orgasm, as Phil was being more dominant than he ever wished for. His whole neck was burning at the sensation of the older man holding him, keeping him from moving.

'You are lucky I found those fucking panties' Phil said, and Dan was about to lose it, 'and I want to fuck you in these so much'.

'O-oh my g-god, I'm- _fuck_ -I'm gonna come' Dan babbled, his legs trembling at the sensation.

'Stop' Phil said abruptly.

'W-what?' Dan was shocked, and he quickly took his hand off of his length.

'You don't really need me to touch you to be screaming my name, do you?' Phil said so close to his ear he could feel the air coming out of his mouth. 'You just want me to watch, to know you are desperate to feel my cock inside of you. Answer me.'

'Hmm' Dan nodded, closing his eyes and returning the hand to his cock.

'You want to do as I say, Dan?'

'Y-yes, fuck, I-I'll do whatever you want' Dan's leg felt weak sustaining all his weight. He was tightly surrounding his cock, too afraid to move his hand because he was too close to coming in Phil's shirt.

'Fucking come now' he whispered in his ear, and Dan moaned loudly, stroking his cock almost aggressively until drops of cum were landing on his stomach.

' _Fuck_ , Phil. Oh my fucking god, Phil' he said, and kept repeating his name until he was fully spent.

Phil separated his hand from Dan's neck and the boy fell to the floor, his back against the wall. He was panting, his body trembling and covered in sperm.

'Clean yourself up and get out of here' Phil said, not dropping the dominant role yet, 'I'll be in the bathroom'.

 

 

Half an hour later, Phil was still inside his shower, letting the water run over his body. He had spent a full ten minutes picturing the noises and faces Dan had made in his head, uncontrollably working on his cock until he was coming on top of an imaginary Dan Howell ruined beneath him.

Phil inhaled deeply at the memory. He didn't know how to assimilate the incident that had happened. He thought about Dan; Had he hurt him? Was it too much for the boy? He felt a rush of regret filling his body a muttered a quiet ' _you stupid_ '.

He was feeling something, he couldn't deny it anymore. It wasn't the unpredictable feeling of attraction towards Dan, or the massive warm sensation on his hands after touching his skin.

It wasn't just physical.

He sighed loudly and closed the water tap, stepping out of the shower. His reflection was staring at him with a concerned look.

'Hey, you idiot, get dressed and put yourself together.' he said to himself, 'Survive the meeting and then you'll think about this'

* * *

 

'So, who's your new boy?' Ryan asked, analyzing Dan from head to toes.

'Rosie found him. He was working in a shop downtown and she thought he was a good boy. He is indeed' Phil responded, sipping a beer and looking around the room. The meeting had been a success, only a few people a little too drunk still wandering his house. Ryan was one of those people, of course.

Ryan was his friend. They had been working together since the beginning of his project, and they did make a good team. The problem was that he didn't feel a connection with him, there were always many things that Phil didn't like about Ryan.

'How good is he?' he asked, not bothering to look at Phil, fixing his eyes on the boy.

'Too good for you, Ryan' Phil said, laughing disingenuously. Dan was only a few meters apart from them, still cleaning all the mess his guests had made. He looked tired, it was already past midnight and the meeting had been going on for at least 8 hours.

Phil looked at Dan and smiled. He felt that connection with him, he had felt it since the beginning. Something inside of him was perfectly okay with Dan, his life, his choices, his dreams and aspirations. There was something really beckoning about Dan's personality, and Phil felt like nothing he could ever do would bother him too much.

Unlike Ryan.

'And why is that?' Ryan asked, dissipating Phil's thoughts, 'I think I'm going to have a little conversation with him'.

'Hey, wai-' Phil snapped, but his friend was already leaning too close to Dan's face.

'Hello, beautiful. I don't think I've got a chance to introduce myself, I'm Ryan, a good friend of Phil's' Dan was staring at him astonished, and Phil stifled a laugh. 'So... do you like working here?'

Phil was hardly holding back his giggle, seeing as Dan didn't even make a sound and turn his back to the table he was cleaning.

'Hey, rude!' he heard Ryan say, and he coughed a little to mask his smirk.

Ryan made his way back to his side and let out a sight, so Phil put down his drink and patted softly his friend back, 'C'mon, Ryan, time to go home'

 

 

Phil finished saying goodbye to everyone nearly twenty minutes later and closed the front door, exhausted. It was late, he figured Dan didn't want to keep working on all the mess upstairs, so he took his phone out of his pocket and sent him a quick text.

[Phil, 0:33 am]: hey, you want to stay the night? You can finish that tomorrow

[Dan, 0:35 am]: thank god, was about to start using tears instead of soapy water

[Dan, 0:36 am]: can i borrow a shirt? I need a shower asap and this one is covered in sweat and rude guests' saliva

[Phil, 0:38 am]: sure, make yourself at home. I'll be upstairs in a minute, need to finish something

[Dan, 0:39 am]: ya sure busy boss

 

By the time Phil had finally walked upstairs, Dan was softly asleep in the guest room, so he decided against his will and covered him with a blanket. He stroked his hair for a while, not realizing what he was doing, and left a low light on inside the room.

Once in his own bed, staring at the ceiling, Phil's mind dozed off having one single thought in his mind: what was it about Dan that had him craving every inch of him.


	5. five

Phil woke up determined to talk to Dan about his little encounter. He had spent the whole night dreaming about him, knowing it was a coping mechanism to deal with his own feelings.

He knew that wasn't right, he couldn't maintain a sexual relationship with his employee, it was some kind of law for sure. It had been a one-time type of thing, and he needed to reassure Dan that.

It was not going to happen again.

For a few seconds, his mind drifted towards the boy, his quiet breathing the night before, asleep in the bed. He had wanted to touch him, to cuddle his entire body, as if he needed protection.

He thought about the risky behaviour he had had towards Ryan, and couldn't help but smile. He liked Dan, there wasn't any doubt about it, but he didn't want to hurt him.

He jumped out of bed certain about the words he was going to say, repeating in his mind a few indispensable questions he had to ask Dan: had he hurt him? Was he okay with everything that had happened? Was he even okay working there?

He knocked lightly on Dan's door and approached his ear to it, waiting for him to answer, 'Dan? Are you awake?'

He heard a muttering coming from the room so he opened the door slowly.

'Hey, Dan, I need to talk to you' he said quietly. The room was almost dark and he could barely see Dan's silhouette laying in bed, trapped under the blanket.

'Hmm?' he heard him say, so he started walking a few steps in his direction. Dan moaned as he stretched, opening his eyes slightly to look at him.

'Is it too early? I wanted to speak with you about something, but it can wait', he said, thinking that maybe he had been too eager to solve his problems and maybe Dan didn't want to talk about it. He decided Dan needed at least a few minutes and turned his back, stepping away from the bed.

'About you making me loudly come, yesterday?' Dan said with a raspy voice when Phil was about to step out of the room.

Phil turned to look at him immediately, not knowing how to respond. It was definitely too early. He remained still as he watched Dan get up off the bed and walk toward him. It wasn't until he was facing him that he realized Dan was only wearing a shirt and a pair of boxers. 

He looked at Phil fondly, his features tender as he had just woken up. He raised his hand and placed it against his neck, caressing it gently.

'So, what do you want to talk about?' Dan asked softly. 'Have I been bad?'

'No, I-I just wanted to tell you we can't do... that thing anymore' Phil responded almost in a whisper, feeling trapped in his gaze.

Dan giggled and looked at him amused. 'What thing? I can't touch myself anymore?'

He then lowered his hand and placed it on Phil's chest, his eyes now wandering his body.

'The whole thing, the y-you and me thing' Phil said, holding his breath while Dan leaned far too close to his ear.

'I think I know what the problem is' Dan said, not giving Phil enough time to react as he got on his knees and started unbuckling his belt. 

'Dan, stop' Phil said, not too convinced about that option. His sight was firmly set on Dan's eyes, who was deeply looking at him from below, his hands on Phil's thighs.

'Is that an order?' Dan asked, and proceeded to lower Phil's pants and place a soft kiss on his upper thigh. He smiled at the sight of a growth inside of his boxers and spoke again. 'Do you want me to stop?'

Dan began biting, teasing his way up to the fabric of the boxers, and then carefully placed his mouth against what seemed to be the tip of Phil's cock. He caressed it with his lips, mouth open and breathing hotly against it, and repeated, 'Do you want me to stop?'

His words caused a vibrating feeling and Phil let out a quiet moan, suddenly forgetting what he was about to say. Dan smiled and breathed again against his dick, making him want to feel the hotness inside of Dan's mouth and not only the warm in his breath.

 

'Dan...' He said tilting his head back and closing his eyes. The amount of desire he was feeling was blurring any sight of rational thoughts in his mind, so he bit his lip and made an unreasonable decision, 'take your clothes off'.

Dan obeyed, grin on his face, knowing he had won another match point already. He quickly took his clothes off and got on his knees again. He knew he wasn't allowed to speak yet, so he opened his drooling mouth and wet his lips slowly, leaving it open afterwards.

'Lick it, no hands' Phil said, and Dan moved his hands to take his boxers off, inhaling deeply. Phil's length was suddenly a few centimetres away from Dan's face, but he waited until his hands weren't near it to carefully wet his tongue and take it out of his mouth. He started wetting the base of Phil's cock, letting his saliva come out of his mouth, making his way to the tip.

Phil curled his fingers through Dan's hair, and the young boy stared at him patient, his tongue against the glans of his dick.

'Do you want to blow me?' Phil asked lifting Dan's chin with his other hand. The young boy nodded slowly and opened his mouth wider in response, drooling, 'don't touch yourself'

Dan wrapped his mouth around the tip of his cock and looked at him lasciviously, slowly bobbing his head. Phil grabbed his hair tightly and moaned, the pleasure filling his body. He closed his eyes and thrust further into Dan's mouth, hearing the boy make stifled sounds which were reverberating on his dick.

Dan moaned loudly around his cock at the sensation of Phil's length inside of him and opened his mouth wider to breathe. The older man pulled out and looked down to watch Dan loudly swallowing all his precum, some of it sliding down his chin.

'Fuck, you feel incredible' Phil said, shoving his dick into Dan's mouth again and causing a gag to come out of his mouth. Dan then began bobbing his head keenly, taking him in as far as he could. Phil caught his eyes with his own and bit his lip, shuddering, 'Oh my god, Dan'

He was now grabbing Dan with both hands, one tightly holding his nape and the other one pulling his hair, holding him steady as the boy bobbed his head rhythmically and moaned against his cock. He felt his orgasm near and began panting loudly, thrusting deeper into Dan's mouth.

The young boy was slobbering around his shaft, his chin and cheeks covered in saliva and pre-cum.

'Fuck' Phil muttered, trying to speak, 'touch yourself'.

Dan obeyed and began working on his own cock, moaning against Phil as he bobbed his head frantically. Phil felt like he was about to come, so he tangled his fingers in his head harder as he fucked his mouth. Dan felt Phil's warm cum shooting right down his throat and swallowed, the sensation sending him over the edge, coming in his hand while engulfing Phil's cum.

Once totally spent, Phil pulled out and leaned against the wall, hardly breathing. He looked down to Dan, who was now almost laying on the floor, panting and covered in sweat and drool.

Suddenly everything hit him again, but before he could even open his mouth, Dan was stepping out of the room, on his way to the bathroom. He felt ashamed, he had done it again. He wasn't even sure about Dan's feelings, he had just let him suck his dick and disappear, neither speaking a word about it nor the day before.

Phil sighed and covered his whole face with his hands. He decided to wait until Dan was fully clothed to talk to him, so he walked downstairs and made some coffee.

 

 

Dan reappeared half an hour later downstairs, his hair wet and a soft smile on his face.

'Hey' Phil said, putting the phone away and looking at him cautiously. 

'Hey' he responded, grabbing a mug and pouring himself some coffee, 'good morning'.

'How... How are you?' Phil didn't know how to approach the subject, he wasn't even sure of what questions he had to ask anymore.

'Pretty good, what about you?' Dan said nonchalantly, looking down at his phone. 'Did you see the news? Harry Styles is in town, yey.'

'Yeah, I've seen it' Phil responded, trying to figure out what was Dan's plan now. He was acting like nothing had happened, not even looking at him.

Phil thought about asking him how he felt, or just if he was okay with everything, but he couldn't find the guts to do it. He just stared at him, mouth slightly open.

Dan raised his sight and smirked, 'what are you looking at? Do you want to go?'

'What?' Phil asked, clueless. Dan laughed lightly and sipped his coffee.

'To see Harry Styles, do you want to go?' he responded.

'Oh, right.' maybe Dan wasn't thinking about it. It was weird that he didn't even want to admit what was happening between them, and Phil felt nervous about mentioning it if Dan wasn't comfortable with it. So he decided he would talk to him later when he had cleared his mind about what was he going to do.

'Well, think about it. Going up to finish cleaning the mess now'

Then, coming out of the blue, Dan made his way to where Phil was sitting and placed a kiss on his cheek.

'Don't think too much' he said and disappeared after that.

* * *

 

That morning, Phil's phone went off and he noticed he had a text from Dan, the boy working in the room right next to his office.

[Dan, 12:44pm]: wyd?

[Phil, 12:45pm]: working, unlike you

[Dan, 12:46pm]: hey just cheking in, don't need to be rude! I'm done with this

[Phil, 12:47pm]: with what?

[Dan, 12:47pm]: the cleaning, you idiot. wanna hang out

[Phil, 12:50pm]: sorry, busy

[Dan, 12:51pm]: come on, i promise this time we won't be naked

[Dan, 12:51pm]: i mean, unless you ask

[Dan, 12:51pm]: in that case i'm already naked

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry to end the chapter like this, i'm a total bitch  
> i just started class so i'll be posting only once a week, just to let you know
> 
> also a big thank you to IvyViolet! always appreciate the corrections, really, so I hope I get more of those!
> 
> thank you all so much!


	6. six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey! I've had a really long week and I haven't had enough time to make this chapter longer but at the same time, I feel like it has a perfect ending.  
> I promise next one will be longer!
> 
> thank you all for reading and for every correction, comment, kudos or whatever! everything is appreciated! :)  
> enjoy!

 

Phil was staring at his phone, his eyes wide open and the tip of his pen leaking ink into the book he was reading.

 _'What?'_ he screamed alarmingly in his mind, _'is he for real?'_

He noticed he had stopped breathing and inhaled deeply, feeling his chest burning as he did so.

He had seen Dan naked before through the fogged glass of his bathroom, but it had been a different situation. Dan hadn't been naked because of Phil, just because he was having a shower.And also some fun.

But that wasn't the same. There was a boy five steps away from him who had stripped naked just because he wanted Phil to see him.

Hypothetically.

There were three possible resolutions to the situation in Phil's mind:

One, he waited. No response, no actions, not even breathing.

Two, he got up to find out if Dan was really naked, which could lead to more decision-making.

Three, he kept playing that game.

 

[Phil, 12:57 pm]: and why do you think your nudity will make me want to stop working?

[Dan, 12:59 pm]: I mean, i'm not stupid

[Dan, 1:00 pm]: i've seen the way you look at me

[Phil, 1:01 pm]: well, i also enjoy looking at my work

[Dan, 1:02 pm]: ok, ok, I get it

[Dan, 1:02pm]: i'll get dressed

[Phil, 1:03pm]: don't

[Phil, 1:03 pm]: wanna see it

[Dan, 1:05pm]: come here then

[Phil, 1:07pm]: no

[Phil, 1:07pm]: make me

 

Dan got it quickly because Phil received a picture in mere seconds. He smiled as it downloaded, eager to see him.

In the picture, Dan was laying on his sofa, not in the upstairs lounge like he thought he was. A thin and almost translucent blanket was covering part of his stomach, as well as his pubic area and his legs, rolled around them. He was hiding half of his face in a pillow, his eyes closed, and you could spot the redness in his face.

 

[Phil, 1:10 pm]: I thought you said you were naked

[Dan, 1:11 pm]: then I wouldn't have anything to offer you if you came here

[Phil, 1:12 pm]: okay, you have a point

[Phil, 1:12 pm]: but I still wanna see more

 

Another picture was sent to Phil's phone, this time a close-up of Dan's lower body. The white blanket that was covering him before was now pressed against his skin, sweat (or whatever liquid it was) making it see-through in some areas.

But not the ones he wanted to see.

Phil licked his lips and breathed deeply, looking at the picture with desire. He was beginning to feel a warm sensation inside his pants, the tip of his dick tightened against them. He lowered one hand and pressed it against his erection, trying to ease the ache.

 

[Dan, 1:15 pm]: do you like it?

 

 _'I like you'_ Phil said in his head instantly, not really noticing what it meant.

 

[Dan, 1:16 pm]: want to see more?

[Phil, 1:17pm]: both

[Phil, 1:17 pm]: you are really distracting me from my work

[Dan, 1:19 pm]: that's good

[Dan, 1:20 pm]: I want you to focus just on me

 

Phil unbuckled his pants a little, letting the growth inside of it free of his pants, but still in his boxers. He massaged his cock lightly, looking at the last picture of Dan again.

 

[Phil, 1:22 pm]: you've got all my attention 

[Phil, 1:22 pm]: what are you doing right now?

[Dan, 1:23 pm]: thinking about you

[Dan, 1:24 pm]: how I made you come this morning

[Dan, 1:24 pm]: so hard and hot on my throat

[Dan, 1:25 pm]: your hands gripping my hair

[Dan, 1:26 pm]: fuck, you turn me on so much

 

Phil slipped his hand under his boxers and began stroking his cock, his other hand hardly gripping his phone. He leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes, thinking about Dan.

He heard another message and lowered the pace.

 

[Dan, 1:30 pm]: hey, that's cheating

[Phil, 1:32 pm]: what is cheating?

[Dan, 1:32 pm]: I want to see you too

 

Phil smiled, a weird sensation in his stomach spreading through his whole body. He focused the camera on his cock, his hand wrapped tightly around it, and took the picture.

 

[Dan, 1:34 pm]: fuck

 

He didn't need to go downstairs to know Dan was now touching himself too, and the thought of it sent him over the edge, sooner than he had expected. Dan was the only thing in his mind.

He cleaned his hand with a tissue and buckled up his pants, trying to catch his breath.

 

[Phil, 1:40 pm]: you happy now?

[Dan, 1:43 pm]: just for now.

 

Phil let out a quiet laugh and put away his phone. Dan was going to be the end of him.

* * *

Later that day, Phil heard the front door closing and raised his head from his laptop. He had been working almost 5 hours straight, his eyes were red and dry. He closed violently the computer, stressed about all the things he had to do, and got up.

Phil thought about the door sound, had Dan left? He hadn't talked to him since the 'sexting' thing that had happened before, so he didn't have a clue on Dan's location at the moment.

It was 6:30 in the afternoon, and he hadn't eaten a thing since breakfast. His stomach grumbled at the thought, so he decided to stop working for a couple of hours and make some dinner.

He stopped by his room, putting on his pyjama pants as it was already night time, and walked downstairs.

He was surprised by Dan, who was placing a fricking ton of sushi on two plates.

'Hey, busy boss' he said smiling at him, quickly returning his attention to the sushi. 'I figured you would be hungry, you haven't got out of your cave in ages'

Phil was astonished, not even capable of forming a smile on his face, looking deeply at Dan.

'What? You told me you loved sushi' Dan said staring at him. 'Were you lying? I mean maybe you didn't mean sushi-sushi, or like you prefer going out for sushi or something. I'm sorry, I did-'

'Hey, no, no, it's okay' Phil ended the trance and responded, placing a hand on Dan's shoulder, 'I love sushi, I really do'.

'So what's the problem?' Dan asked, a worried expression on his face.

'There is no problem. I guess...' he responded, lowering his eyes and looking at the floor, a little embarrassed. 'I guess it had been a long time since somebody was so nice to me'.

'Oh' Dan whispered.

There was a moment of silence, both of them not knowing what to do. Dan turned to face him, too afraid to touch him.

'Thank you' Phil said, slowly raising his head to look him in the eyes.

Dan was smiling, his cheeks red, and Phil could hear his nervous breathing. There were only a few centimetres between the two of them, but they didn't seem to mind. Phil moved his hand to hold Dan's, not responsible for his actions. The boy was looking at him deeply, sparkling eyes and a really big smile. He intertwined his fingers, caressing lightly the skin on the palm of his hand.

Phil glanced at Dan's lips and thought come to his mind: he had never kissed him. Maybe the perfect moment hadn't come yet, but something inside Phil was telling him Dan didn't want to.

Phil quickly took his eyes off of Dan, worried. He had been two seconds apart from crashing his lips together and his body was almost shaking because of the situation. He withdrew his hand from Dan's own and scratched his head.

'So, do you want to eat?' he said, still not looking in Dan's direction.

'Please, I'm starving' he responded.

 

They decided to watch a movie while they ate, and Phil popped in a CD from his Studio Ghibli collection without really looking at it. It ended up being 'Spirited Away', but they were really busy tasting the sushi to pay attention to the film.

 

'You know what?' Phil asked, his mouth full of rice, 'I like this'

It was a genuine thought, one of those thoughts that skips your filter and comes out of your mouth without thinking.

'What?' Dan said, placing down his chopsticks.

'I like this. I like sushi, watching movies I've already watch and spending time with you' Phil responded, still chewing his last nigiri piece. 'I like you'

Phil swallowed. There was a really loud silence around them, the sound of Phil's word echoing the room. Dan's eyes were set on Phil's, both looking at each other intensely.

'W-What?' Dan asked again, his breathing speeding up and his mouth open. Phil got closer to him without thinking and placed a hand on Dan's knee.

The boy had seemed so certain about everything that had happened, being the one who had made the first move in every situation. He had been really confident about his body, almost as if he knew all along Phil was deeply attracted to him.

But this was different. He had seen Dan hesitate in every situation that involved feelings. Every time he had touched him outside his sexual encounters, he had felt Dan's skin shaking, burning.

Phil placed his hand on his cheek and realized something: Dan was afraid.

Dan was afraid of not being on the same page as Phil, Dan was afraid of rejection. He was so sure about sex because he knew Phil liked it. But he didn't know if Phil liked him.

 _'Stupid idiot'_ Phil thought and leaned in to place a kiss on Dan's lips.

At first, it was not reciprocated and Phil thought about running out of the country, thinking he had assumed too much, but then Dan kissed him back.

And it was nothing like the sensation he had had on his fingers when they had been inside of his mouth, not even close to the feeling of Dan's lips surrounding his dick.

It was calm, warming, welcoming. It was soft but passionate, slow but eager. 

He kept kissing him, reassuring him something that had been on his chest for the last weeks. He was holding his face with both hands, his lips open and his tongues touching.

It was Dan, and It felt like Dan was it.

 

A few minutes later, their lips separated and Phil looked at him in the eye, his noses slightly touching.

'I like you' he repeated softly, his eyes not leaving Dan's, 'I really like you, Dan'.

The boy closed his eyes and smiled, kissing him again.

 


	7. seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan's POV  
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: a brief description of self-injuries and blood.
> 
> also: i'm sorry

He woke up trapped in soft arms, his feet cold and hanging out of the couch. He opened his eyes and looked at the ceiling.  
What happened?  
He moved his hand cautiously until he was able to release it from behind the blanket. He touched his lips lightly.

  
_What happened?_

  
He turned his head to the man sleeping next to him and took in all the information his brain could process: he had been sleeping on the couch of his boss next to the man of his dreams, while the arms of his friend were placed on his chest.  
Dan inhaled deeply and tried not to make any sound while doing it. He abandoned the embrace slowly, getting up and walking towards the kitchen. Once in the room, he looked at the clock: 2 am.  
There was no bus that late, and he didn't have enough money to call a taxi.  
But he felt like he needed to escape.

  
He climbed the stairs noiselessly and locked himself in the bathroom, the man in the mirror looking at him anxiously.  
'What happened?' Dan asked himself quietly. He tried to breathe naturally, finding hard to stay calm. The events of the night before were chaotically revolving in his brain; nothing seemed real.

  
Had Phil really kissed him? Did Phil really like him?

  
Maybe it was part of the game, the preliminary steps to the sex, the tension building up. Maybe Phil was into affectionate sex, maybe Phil wanted to act like he was the only one who could fix him.

  
Maybe it was just a game.

  
Dan felt his body shivering and turned the shower on, his skin craving hot water. His mouth was moving violently, his body sweating and freezing cold. Once below the waterfall of hot water, he was able to breathe normally, letting his eyes shut and his nails cut into the palm of his hand. He allowed his body to tremble, and his mind to deny every single word Phil wanted him to believe.

  
It was just a game, and he was the one losing.

* * *

 

Dan woke up a few hours later on a bed which still wasn't yours. This time there were no arms laying on top of him, but he had the same feeling inside his chest.

He had decided to abandon Phil on the couch and sleep in the guest room, unsure about the reaction of the older man once he woke up.  
He put his clothes on and walked downstairs quietly, wanting to go back home as soon as possible. It was Thursday and he was supposed to stay there until 1 pm, but he was planning on run away and send a text later saying he wasn't feeling okay.

  
'Hey' Phil greeted him from the kitchen as soon as his foot touched the floor downstairs. Dan let out an anxious sight and placed a forced smile on his face.  
'Hey, hi' he responded.  
Phil turned to face the sink and kept talking to him 'what happened last night? I think I zoned out and fell asleep on the couch, but where did you go?'  
'I, um, I was in the guest room' Dan said walking towards the kitchen.  
'What? Didn't hear you'  
'I said I slept in the guest room.' he repeated.  
'Why? I mean, I can't remember what happened yesterday, I guess I was too tired, but why didn't you wake me up?' Phil said and proceeded to place a mug full of coffee in front of Dan, 'Here, I made some coffee'  
'Thanks' he muttered in response, and wrapped his hands around the hotness of the mug, quickly bringing it to his mouth to avoid answering the question.  
'Anyway!' Phil said amused, and Dan felt his chest fill with relief, 'What are your plans for today?'  
'Working?' he asked.  
'And then?'  
'Finish working?'  
'And then?' Phil smile was growing bigger at every second.  
'Come on, you idiot, spit it out' Dan said with a mocking laugh.  
'Hey, no need to be rude!' Phil said frowning, 'I was wondering if you wanted to spend the afternoon here'  
'Are you asking me to hang out with you like we do literally every other day? Why would you be so excited about it?'  
'Because now we can play Mario Kart!' Phil yelled, raising his arms with energy.  
'What?' he asked.  
'That's right! Mario Kart 8, Danny!' he responded.  
'That fucking game has been wandering around your house for ages and I haven't seen you play it even once' he said teasing Phil, 'Why would you want to play it _today_?'  
'I'm getting bad vibes from you, Daniel. Not in the mood for some races? Or maybe you are just a loser and you don't want to admit it' he said sticking his tongue out of his mouth.  
'Okay, master, but seriously, why do you want to play it today? To whom I owe the pleasure?'  
'I... I just think I need a break. I've had a ton of work lately and I've been feeling anxious and so stressed about it. I called my manager this morning and told her I needed this weekend off.'  
'Oh, I didn't know you were that stressed out' Dan said quietly, placing down his mug and approaching Phil.  
Phil smiled at him softly and placed his hand on his cheek. Dan's blood quickly travelled to his head, making him feel dizzy for a second. He could feel every single one of the fingerprints on Phil's hand caressing his skin.  
'But it is thursday.' he muttered.  
'So what?' Phil answered quietly, his sight on his lips, 'You don't have to work tomorrow'  
The older man leaned in closer to him and breathed slowly. Dan closed his eyes and let the warm air fill in his mouth, his forehead pressed against Phil's.  
'Don't I?' he asked, his eyes still closed.  
It was just a question about work, but Dan wasn't implying the cleaning. He wasn't asking his boss, he was asking Phil.  
He grabbed his arm to prevent the shaking that was about to happen, and let out a quiet noise.  
He didn't want to fight his feelings, he didn't want to repeat the words that were screaming in his mind, but he didn't have an option.  
' _It is just a game_ ' he thought and swallowed down any kind of doubt.  
He opened his eyes to the sight of deep blue ones looking directly at him.  
He didn't want to hear those words coming from Phil's mouth, so he couldn't forget them.  
'Negative' Phil answered, 'Want to start your holidays with me now?'  
' _Just a fucking impossible game._ ' he thought.

* * *

  
The living room was filled with the sounds of a loud Mario Kart music theme and the whines of Dan and Phil. They were sitting on the couch together, his arms brushing against each other with every movement they made.  
'Oh my God, that is just not ethical!' Phil screamed and Dan laughed loudly, 'How could you do that!? I was first the whole race!'  
'I'm on top, mate' he said with a grin, 'what are you going to do to change that?'  
Phil turned his head instantly to look at him, a smirk showing off in his face, 'What are you implying?'  
'Don't know what are you talking about', Dan said with a big smile, his eyes still focused on the screen.  
That was something he could do, he could play that kind of game and end up victorious. He didn't need much to seduce someone.  
'I thought you said something about topping', Phil said raising his eyebrows, 'But I'm not sure about it'.  
Dan smiled and tossed the controlled aside, placing his hand on Phil's knee. He leaned closer and whispered in his ear 'I said I'm on top, what are you going to do about it?'  
Phil grabbed Dan's wrist violently and pushed him to lay on the couch. He placed both of his arms above his head and pinned him against the cushions with his body.  
Dan hummed, amused, and turned his head to the side so the other man could get closer to his neck. Phil stuck his tongue out and began trailing a path with it, getting closer to Dan's ear.  
He bit his lip hard at the feeling of Phil breathing in his ear and hummed again. The older man began kissing him softly on the neck, both of his hands wrapped around Dan's wrists.  
'Fuck' Dan muttered, feeling as his back arched at a weird angle. He ran his hand along Phil's back, shoving it underneath his shirt to softly scratch his skin.  
They were pressed together against the couch, every inch of their body connected, and Dan wondered if Phil could feel it, could feel the impact he had in him.  
'I want to kiss you' he said, not really processing his desire. He knew deep down he wasn't allowed to do that, but Phil was making him feel too much.  
Phil smiled at the words and freed his wrist, gently gripping his cheeks in his hands and pulling him in for a deep kiss. Dan let it happen, he gave himself 20 seconds of fondness, of passion, of affection, before pulling away.  
He then proceeded to grind against the man on top of him, letting him slip his leg in between his own, Phil's crotch resting on his thigh.  
Phil moaned softly against his lips, barely touching them, and Dan asked himself permission to enjoy another 20 seconds of attachment.  
It didn't feel okay. It was all too warm, too loving, and Dan didn't want to play like that. This was his game, and he didn't want to lose.  
'Hey' he said softly against Phil's lips, 'get up'  
'What? Why?' he responded concerned, 'Everything okay?'  
Phil quickly got up off the couch and stood still, his eyes deeply focused on Dan.  
'Yes, sure' he responded drawing near him, 'I just want to ride you'.  
'What?' Phil asked frowning, backing up a little.  
'I said-'  
'Yeah, I heard you, but why are you telling me that like it doesn't matter to you?' Phil said, an angry tone in his voice.  
'What do you mean?' Dan asked, his voice low.

'What are you doing, Dan?' Phil asked with aversion.  
There were a few seconds of silence and Dan was about to explode. He felt his body shivering, the palms of his hands sweating and his head beating.

  
He was doing something wrong.  
He was wrong.

  
He looked at him as Phil's face relaxed, and caressed lightly the scars of the palm of his hand. His nails were ready to dig into the wounds again, his fingers fighting the urge.  
'Don't...' Phil said, walking a few steps until he was too close to him. He raised his hand slowly and placed it on his cheeks, 'Don't do this'  
He could mean anything. For all he knew, he could be talking about his skills on Mario Kart.  
He wasn't talking about the two of them.  
Dan didn't respond, the five words wandering his head at limit speed. He felt his eyes shutting down and his lips throbbing.  
_'It is just a game.'_

  
'Dan' Phil said, removing gently the tear that was sliding down his face, 'It's not you, I just... I don't want to do it like this'  
Dan opened his eyes slightly and peered at his mouth, waiting for him to keep talking.  
'I don't want you like this' he said.  
But Dan's mind could only process the first four words of his sentence.  
'I-I've got to go. I'm s-sorry.' he stuttered, pulling away from the embrace and quickly approaching the door, not even thinking about his possessions.  
'Dan, plea-' but he had already closed the door behind him, and with it, any possibility of understanding Phil's words.  
He ran to the street, his feet burning and his arms freezing cold. He hadn't even thought about his sweatshirt, the cold air outside making him shiver every step he made.

I don't want you.  
I don't want you.  
_I don't want you._

* * *

 

While seven texts were delivered on Dan's phone -a quiet vibration not surpassing the thick cushions on Phil's couch-, the boy covered himself with a blanket and stared at the ceiling at his own apartment.

  
He had lost that round, the powerful feeling of his chest forcing him to make choices not based on his saying. He placed slowly his fingertips on his lips, trying to recall the twenty seconds of pause he had had, letting his feelings flourish on his chest. He stopped breathing for a second, ready to forget that moment.  
He raised the other hand and took a closer look at the scars on his hands, overwhelmed by them. It had been a long time since the last time he had given in to self-flagellation. It may seem small, but he knew it could lead to bigger and scarier things. His mind wandered to images of his own blood filling his floor, his bath, his clothes.

He kissed lightly the skin on the palm on his hands and closed his eyes.

  
He didn't want to go back to that.  
He didn't want to believe it wasn't a game.  
It was always a game.  
Just a game.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let me know if there's anything wrong! i appreciate the corrections you could make :)
> 
> also, feel free to insult me in the comments.


	8. eight

Phil woke up on Saturday without knowing anything about his friend. He had tried to contact him more than a thousand times, calling and texting his phone, but he hadn't received a single answer.  
He spent all day walking around his house, his mind travelling at the speed of light. He ate quietly, his eyes focused on nothing, while he repeated Dan's last words in his mind.  
By 7 pm, the house was so quiet without the young boy's presence that Phil didn't know how to fill the blank space. He turned the radio on and began searching some pleasant radio station to occupy his mind with. The sound of a Nicki Minaj song filled the air with slurs and harsh words, but Phil was too busy inside his own world.  
What needed Dan? It was his only question.  
It had been obvious that the boy hadn't been feeling everything the way Phil had, but he wasn't entirely sure why. There were so many questions in his head that he wasn't certain about how to word them all properly.  
He had an idea, so he collected some papers and a pen from his desk and crossed his legs in front of the blank sheets. He was ready to write down an outline of his thoughts.  
He crossed out “his”.  
'Fine,' he let out a sight and looked up, 'what is wrong with me?'  
He began writing down every possible misreading of his own words, careful to be extra-sensitive. Then, he wrote everything he knew about Dan, thinking that could give him the key.  
'Shy', he listed out loud while writing it, 'passionate, introverted, friendly, caring, funny, beautiful...'  
He stopped himself for a second and inhaled to keep his mind unemotional about the situation.  
'Submissive, don't want to talk about his feelings' he said, not writing it this time.  
Phil knew for a fact Dan didn't have any problem with being submissive, he had proved him that he loved it in multiple occasions. All this time he had thought that Dan needed to lose control, but maybe that was not the reason why he enjoyed it. He knew it was complicated, and he was guilty of not talking about his feelings since the beginning. It could lead to misreading, and Dan feeling like... an object.  
Phil placed his right hand on his forehead and closed his eyes, breathing deeply.  
What if everything was his fault? He had denied “the talk” since the beginning, assuming Dan didn't need it.  
He had even believed him when he had uttered the words “don't think too much”, assuming Dan wasn't thinking too much himself.  
But maybe he was.  
'But I told him I liked him” he muttered to himself, his eyes still closed, 'and he kissed me'.  
There was something Phil's mind couldn't understand, and it would take all the schemes in the world to make sense. He needed to talk to Dan.  
He grabbed his phone again, praying and hoping Dan would get it this time. Dialing his number, he leaned back on the couch and waited for a response. He started to feel a slight vibration coming from his couch, so he stuck his hand in between the cushions of it and searched for the item that was producing it.  
The call ended without a response, and Phil's hand grabbed something. Taking it out, Phil glanced at the blinking red LED on the screen of the object.  
He turned it on and saw himself smiling behind a white box which read: 6 missed calls from Phil.

* * *

  
He knocked at the door again, this time more furiously. It was night time already, and Phil knew it wasn't okay to show up on somebody's door that late, but he didn't care. He was wearing Dan sweatshirt, the smell of the boy impregnating his body, and he had his phone on his hand.  
He knocked again, glancing at the hour. It was almost 11 pm and all the lights in the house were off. Different situations were crossing his mind, the thought of an injured Dan constant in all of them.  
'Dan?' he asked while knocking on the door one more time.  
The door finally opened, revealing a blonde girl in her pyjamas.  
'Who is this?' she asked rubbing his right eye.  
Phil opened his mouth to talk but nothing came out. Where was Dan?  
There was a minor possibility that he had mistaken Dan's address for somebody else's, so he turned his head to read the number by the door.  
5.  
'Is this... Are you... Dan?' he stuttered.  
'Dan?' the blonde asked frowning, 'Are you asking if I'm Dan? Because I'm obviously not.'  
'No, no, I meant is D-'  
'Dan is sleeping' she cut him off.  
'Who are you?' Phil asked scratching his head. He didn't understand anything about the situation.  
'Who asks?' she said not looking at him.  
'Um, yeah, right. I'm Phil, Dan's works at-'  
'Your house, yeah' she cut him off again. Phil forced a smile and lowered his eyes, intimidated. 'I'm Louise, I'm staying with Dan for a few days.'  
'Is he okay?' Phil asked. The woman looked at him in the eye and smiled slightly, his expression soft. 'He left this at my house'  
Phil handed her the phone slowly, his eyes not leaving her. She grabbed the phone and nodded.  
'I'll give it to him, thank you' she said, his hand on the door and the intention to close it.  
'Wait, just one more thing' Phil said anxiously. She stared at him, waiting for his words with her eyes wide open, 'just tell him to talk to me, I want him to talk to me'.  
Louise smiled again and nodded, 'I'll tell him. Thank you, Phil'  
Phil let out a sight, his whole body tense, and she closed the door.

* * *

 

 _2:59 am 2:59 am 2:59 am 2:59 am 3:00 am_  
Phil stared at the clock as it flickered, his eyes tired, the dim light of it illuminating his face. He sighed loudly and covered his eyes with his hand, pressing slightly against them. He got off the bed, his body aching because of the four hours of laying on it without doing anything. He stretched a little and sighed again: he wasn't going to be able to sleep anytime soon.  
He went downstairs ready to make himself some hot tea and read something that could put himself to sleep. His phone was in his pocket, and he could almost hear it screaming _'call Dan'_.  
He took it out of his pocket and stared at it patiently, waiting for something, anything. He opened Dan's chat impulsively and began writing, but he stopped when he saw three dots on the left side.  
Dan was writing.  
He put the phone down and walked back biting his lip anxiously. His heart was beating fast and he hadn't even read Dan's message yet. He approached the phone, ready to read it, but walked backwards again.  
'Calm down' he muttered, 'it's only Dan'  
But that was the problem: it was Dan. And he had just understood he knew nothing about his feelings. He didn't know how to respond to a text he hadn't even read yet, and the palms of his hand were sweating because some words that maybe hadn't been sent to him.  
He scrubbed his eyes and inhaled, grabbing the phone.  
[Dan, 3:07 am]: hey, I know it's late, but Lou just told me you came all the way here to give her my phone. thank you.  
[Dan, 3:08 am]: also, sorry for not showing up today, or well, yesterday. I just... I don't know, i'm sorry  
Phil wanted to call him, to repeat just one question to him all over again until he could answer.  
[Phil, 3:10 am]: did she told you about what I said?  
[Dan, 3:11 am]: oh my god, did I wake you up? I'm so sorry I didn't mean to  
[Dan, 3:11 am]: we can talk tomorrow, i'm sorry  
[Phil, 3:12 am]: it's fine, I wasn't sleeping  
[Dan, 3:13 am]: what were you doing? It's late  
[Phil, 3:14 am]: couldn't sleep  
Phil looked at the conversation and considered sending another text.  
[Phil, 3:15 am]: couldn't stop thinking about you  
Phil let his phone aside and poured the hot water into his mug, waiting for Dan to text him back. He sat down on the high chairs of his kitchen and glanced at his phone: no answer.  
He finished his tea a couple of minutes later, his mind already spinning in circles because he knew he shouldn't have said that.  
[Dan, 3:25 am]: why?  
[Phil, 3:26 am]: that's a weird question, I think about you a lot  
[Dan, 3:26 am]: at 3 am on a saturday?  
[Phil, 3:30 am]: dan, I want to talk to you  
[Dan, 3:31 am]: okay, we are talking now  
[Phil, 3:31 am]: not like this  
[Phil, 3:32 am]: I just  
[Dan, 3:33 am]: what?  
[Phil, 3:33 am]: Dan, I  
Phil was shaking, his whole world collapsing. Maybe it was the night, or the feeling of exhaustion in his body now that Dan wasn't there with him. Maybe it was...  
He touched his cheek gently, a cold tear wetting his fingers. He didn't want to think about it.  
[Phil, 3:35 am]: can I see you now?  
[Dan, 3:36 am]: what? now?  
[Phil, 3:37 am]: ask me to come over, please  
[Dan, 3:38 am]: phil, it's late and I have a noisy friend sleeping by my side  
[Phil, 3:39 am]: please  
[Dan, 3:41 am]: good night, phil

* * *

  
Phil swallowed loudly the pill, hoping the headache would go away. He hadn't slept more than 3 hours, his head was heavy and his eyes red. He looked at his phone again, still waiting for something, but it was only eight in the morning and Dan was probably sleeping.  
Five days had passed since the last time he had seen the boy, and he was seriously worried about him. He had tried calling him on multiple times, but he hadn't been successful.  
On Monday, Louise had answered the phone and had asked him to stay away from Dan in an angry tone, so he had decided to give the boy enough space to think and come back to him, hoping he would some day, but it wasn't easy for him.  
He couldn't resist the urge on Tuesday, so he had sent him a text, but nothing came back.  
He sighed at the thought and sipped his coffee, ready to start another morning.  
Phil spent the rest of the day trying to work, not really achieving anything. At 10 pm, too tired to keep thinking about anything, he turned off his phone and threw himself into the couch, switching on the TV. Just when he had found his favourite channel streaming his favourite late night show, he heard a knock on the door.  
He sighed loudly, tilting his head back, and popped off the couch, not noticing how late it was for a visit. He checked his fringe in the mirror on his way to the entrance and approached the door, ready to sign some papers or receive some packages. He was just hoping he didn't have to speak more than three words.  
'Hey' a voice said just when he opened the door. Phil raised his head and his eyes got lost on Dan, who was staring at him deeply.  
'Dan' he muttered.  
'Can I come in?' he asked softly. Phil just nodded and got out of the way, letting him in.  
They walked together towards the couch, not speaking a single word, and sat down a few centimetres away.  
'You wanted to speak to me' he said quietly, looking doubtful.  
It wasn't a question, so Phil didn't know how to answer. He wanted to say so many things, to speak so rushed he ran out of breath, to end with his lips so close to Dan's, but he couldn't.  
'Yes' he said, inhaling shakily.  
'Here I am' Dan sounded sad, the bags under his eyes were almost blue. Phil noticed his eyes were red and swollen, and his lips were dry.  
He couldn't resist the urge, so he moved his hand carefully to finally place it on Dan's cheek. He could feel the struggle on his face, the hesitation in his eyes.  
He stroked his face gently, not making a sound. His sight not leaving his eyes, he tried to speak with his mouth closed. He leaned in closer to his face and placed a kiss on the corner of his lips, so slowly he was able to feel Dan's eyes shut.  
When he moved away, Dan's cheeks were bright pink, his eyes fixed on the floor.  
'Why didn't you want me?' he asked quickly while pulling apart from Phil's touch and shifted uncomfortably.  
Phil felt a sharp stab in his chest and lowered his eyes. The words were messy in his head and he didn't want to screw the one possibility to make things right.  
He inhaled slowly and let his feelings emerge from his body.  
'I want you, Dan' he said softly and waited a few seconds to steady himself, 'I really do.'  
'But I don't want you like that, I don't want you to feel this means nothing to me, because it does. I want to kiss you knowing you understand every part of my head.'  
Dan wasn't looking at him, playing with his nails compulsively.  
'I don't want you on your knees because you don't feel enough, or because you need to look at me from below. I don't want you in some pink underwear to feel pretty, or uttering the words 'I want to ride you' just because you want to impress me' he continued, his voice low, 'I want you like that, with your eyes tired, your clumsy hands, your messy hair and your weird laughs.'  
Dan raised his eyes to look at him, not becoming quite aware of Phil's words.  
'I've liked you since the first time you seemed human, Dan, you don't have to pretend anything with me. And I want to do this knowing you will need things I don't fully understand, and you will do things I'm not going to like.' he moved his hand to caress Dan's lightly, 'Do you know why, Dan?'  
Dan grabbed Phil's hand tightly, his mouth closed and throbbing. He inhaled through his nose and uttered 'why?' so quietly he barely heard it.  
'Because I am human too, idiot. And I need things as much as you do, and I'll make the same fucking number of mistakes as you' Phil responded, smiling lightly when he realized he had cursed.  
Dan laughed weakly and let a tear roll down his cheek. His eyes were shining, his smile so bright Phil was lost in it.  
'Why are you doing this? Why are you telling me that?' Dan asked with no malice. Phil could read the endless questions in his eyes, so he decided to respond the only thing that was on his mind.  
'Because I don't know why, when or how it happened' he said intertwining his fingers with Dan's, 'but it happened.'  
Dan smile grew even bigger, his eyes taking in every centimetre of his face.  
'What happened?' he asked, but Phil believed he already knew the answer.  
'I love you, Dan' he said in a whisper, 'that happened'.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let me know if you liked it or if there's something wrong in the comments!  
> thank you for reading :)


	9. nine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> early update!  
>  **warning:** semi-graphic non-consensual sex, blood and injuries, too much angst in general  
>  sorry if this turned out too dark
> 
> thank you for your kudos, comments, and everything!  
> as always, if you see something wrong let me know, i really appreciate the corrections! :)

_'I love you' Dan said._

_Alex laughed loudly and caressed his cheek, 'you do?' he asked._

_Dan nodded, his face blushing. His stomach was covered in dry sperm and sweat, and his neck had a severe amount of hickeys._

_If you had asked Dan in that moment what love means, we would have said love_ were _the marks on his body. His soreness, the ache in his shoulders, his swollen lips and red eyes. Love is too much passion: to laugh loudly and sob desperately._

_There is no such thing as love if it doesn't tear your heart apart._

_'Prove it' Alex said with a smirk in his mouth. He then proceeded to grab Dan by the neck and drag him towards the wall, 'prove it to me, Dan'_

_Dan was having a hard time trying to breathe, the red marks in his neck aching at the contact._

_'What do you want me to do?' he was able to say in a quiet voice._

_'You don't have to do shit' he responded, his forehead firmly pressed against him. He raised his other hand and thrust four fingers inside of Dan's mouth, so deeply he couldn't help but gag. 'I'm going to ruin you, baby'._

_Dan closed his eyes, a tear falling down his cheek. He nodded lightly and relaxed his throat, ready to be loved._

  


_Once on the ground, curled up, naked, fresh sperm falling down his tummy, Alex caressed the cuts of his nails on his back._

_'You were so good tonight, so beautiful' he said._

_Dan smiled weakly and asked once again:_

_'Do you love me, Alex?'_

_He placed a kiss on his cheek and smiled, really amused by the question._

_'You ask me that stupid question every day. Of course I do, baby'_

_And it was true, but he still didn't know the answer._

* * *

 

Dan was looking at the floor with his eyes lost, tears running down his face because of his memories. 'What does love mean?' He was thinking. He had spent so many nights wondering if he was enough, thinking love was only capable of destroying you.

Because that's what he felt: destroyed.

When Phil muttered the words he had been waiting all this time, we couldn't believe it. At first, his chest began to grow bigger, his stomach flipping. Then he remembered Alex.

Alex was with him in every situation of his life, looking at him through his own eyes. It was him who made Dan got on his knees, to bend over, to disappear. It was him who repeated his words on his brain.

Alex, the one who had said _'it is only a game'_  when Dan was capable of risking his life in order to be with him.

 _'I love you, Dan'_ Phil had said, but Dan didn't understand it. He had felt immensely happy by the statement, but then he had asked himself how has love any different from what he had with Alex.

Because it all ended in Alex. In his hands grabbing him, in his arms holding him, in his legs walking away.

How was Phil any different to Alex?

* * *

 ' _It's our anniversary today' Dan said handing him a box wrapped in some pink paper._

_'It is?' Alex asked, not looking at him. He accepted the present and opened it up quickly, revealing a white watch, 'Oh my God! This is so pretty, Dan, thank you so much'_

_He smiled and looked at him in the eye, placing a bare kiss on his lips._

_'I've got something more special for you' Alex said, and Dan believed it._

_He disappeared into the room for a minute and came back with a black box on his hands, 'open it'._

_Dan did, too excited to open his first gift from Alex to think straight._

_A black and giant dildo was inside the box, so shiny it made Dan shiver, his mouth open._

_'Do you like it, babe?' and Dan nodded because he had to. 'Good, I think it would look great inside of you'_

_Alex smiled and grab the object from the box, drawing it near Dan's face. The boy couldn't help but feel slightly afraid. He dug his nails hardly against the skin on his arms and swallowed every feeling inside his chest._

_'Come with me, my love' Alex said walking towards their bedroom, and Dan followed him._

* * *

 Curled up in Phil's arms, time was passing by as something Dan wasn't in control of. Phil was breathing softly against his neck, every part of his body surrounding his.

 _'Is this love?'_ he asked himself.

But love is never tender, never fond, never good.

Love ruins you.

* * *

_Alex pushed him to the bed and dryly ordered him to take his clothes off. Dan complied and lay still on the bed, not letting a single emotion to cross his mind._

_The man grabbed a tube of lube from the drawer near the bed and opened it, tossing a big amount into his hand. He was bitting his tongue, his dick hard against the fabric of his pants._

_'Turn over' he demanded._

_Dan was on his knees and wrists, his eyes closed, and he told his body to relax. He inhaled deeply, repeating his most hated words on his brain: 'you need to do this'._

_Dan felt like he had to do it all._

_Alex threw himself into the bed several minutes later, his dick leaking and covered in lube, and spread his ass cheeks apart._

_'You look so good' he said, and Dan smiled lightly. His whole body was waiting for some sort of love, but it didn't come. 'I'm going to fuck you and then you are going to suck me off while this giant dildo stays in your ass'_

_This time there were no questions, no 'okay, baby?', there were only demands._

_Dan lowered his head, the tears of his eyes burning, and nodded lightly, but Alex wasn't waiting for approvement._

_He thrust inside of him, causing Dan to let out a wrenching moan. Alex laughed loudly and caressed the skin around the puckered hole, slobbering. His shove his dick inside Dan once again, too eagerly._

  


_Once spent on his bed, a red fluid coming out of his hole, Dan looked deeply at him and asked:_

_'Why would you do this?'_

_His mouth wasn't able to process every word he wanted to say._

_'You know why'_

_'I don't' he muttered, but the man didn't respond._

_They stayed like that for a couple of minutes, their bodies looking at each other but their eyes closed._

_'Tell me you love me' he said quietly._

_'You know I do, Dan' Alex said, turning his back to him._

_But Dan didn't know what love was._

* * *

When Phil woke up a few hours later, Dan's mind was still travelling through his memories. His cheeks were dry from all the tears that had flowed through his skin, his body immobile.

They were both pressed together on the couch, their feet hanging out by the end of it.

Phil stretched lightly and opened his eyes, his nose still buried in Dan's neck.

'What are you thinking about?' he asked genuinely.

Dan didn't respond, too overwhelmed by the situation.

His mind had travelled at the speed of light for hours, recalling old and painful memories with someone which had always assured him he did love him.

And now he was laying on the couch by someone who didn't want to ruin him but to look at him directly at the eyes. The same person that had uttered the words _'I love you'_.

And Dan had understood he didn't know a single thing about love.

'You always do that' Phil said, noticing Dan wasn't willing to answer him, 'that thing with your hands'

Dan tilted his head slightly to look at him with furrowed brows.

'You clench your fists until they become white' Phil said, 'why?'

Dan cleared his throat and raised his hand above the two of them, 'It relaxes me'

'Pain relaxes you?' Phil asked again.

'Yeah. I don't know what it is about the sensation, but it makes me focus. Makes my head stop spinning.'

'Why are you tense?'

'What?' he responded.

'I've never seen you this anxious about anything, and I want to know why' Phil drew his hand near his face, placing it softly on his cheek, and began drawing circles in his skin, 'you are so beautiful'.

Dan's brain was once again flooded with memories so he pulled back from the touch. Phil sighed quietly and closed his eyes for a moment. They stayed like that for a few minutes, an invisible wall built between their bodies.

'I'm not going to hurt you, Dan' Phil said patiently. He was looking at him, sadness coming out of his voice, 'I just want to talk to you'

'Why would you?' Dan said suddenly, getting up from the couch, 'why would you?'

He was raising his voice, already crying. His whole body was trembling, a sharp pain running through his chest. He let out a quiet sob and buried his face in his hands, hyperventilating. He didn't understand how somebody would want him at all.

Phil got up from the couch and approached him slowly, placing at first a hand on his shoulder, and waited a few seconds. Once the boy relaxed to the touch, he moved both of his arms around Dan, and hold him against his body, letting him cry.

'Let me in, Dan' he said in a whisper, stroking his hair softly, kissing the top of his head. Dan's face was pressed against his chest, his breathing still uneven.

'Why would you want me?' he asked again, this time barely audible.

'I just do' Phil responded, raising his chin so he could look at him in the eye, 'I care about you'

Dan let out yet another sob and wrapped his arm around Phil's waist, hugging him tightly. The older man smiled, kissing his forehead.

'Would you let me in, Dan?' he said fondly.

'Why are you trying to save me?' he responded, still asking too many questions.

* * *

' _What are you doing?' Dan asked, feeling his body being picked up from the floor._

_'Trying to help you' Alex said angrily._

_'I didn't ask for help' he muttered. There was blood on his hands, on the floor, on his shirt. He felt lightheaded, his body not responding to anything. He looked down at his fingers and saw the big amount of blood running down them._

_'What happened?' he asked._

_'You need me' the other man said, and Dan believed him, 'you need me to save you'_

_'I need you' he repeated weakly._

_'You do. You are nothing without me'_

* * *

There were countless voices in his head trying to explain what had happened in the last few hours. He felt dizzy, Phil's embrace penetrating his body. He let his shoulders relax, too tired to cope with the weight of his head.

Could love be tender?

Could love be like this?

He looked at him in the eye, still wrapped in his arms.

'I'm not trying to save you' Phil muttered, holding Dan's face in his hands, 'I want you to save yourself'

And that Dan understood. His body reacted right away at the confession, blurting out everything inside his body, pronouncing Alex name every two words, describing every wound on his skin, every tear in his heart.

Could love be standing by someone as they save themselves from their own chaos?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That last bit was inspired by [gael magno's tweet](https://twitter.com/magyeeess/status/918099293516349442), which describes perfectly how I feel towards love  
> and not the way [people seem to feel about it](https://twitter.com/yandelarosa/status/917380312849674240%20)  
> which, honestly, makes me sad.  
> don't let anyone save your life, but let people in so they can give you enough reasons to save you from yourself


	10. ten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this makes up for last week's mess  
> enjoy :)

Phil woke up in his own bed and stretched loudly, not really thinking about the situation he was in. Once his eyes were fully open, he let his mind analyse everything that had happened.  
He heard a loud noise coming from downstairs and glanced at the clock by his night drawer: 1:04 pm. On a wednesday.  
He jumped off the bed and got dressed quickly, wondering what made him that exhausted to woke up at lunchtime.  
When he walked downstairs, Dan seemed a little stressed over some black smoke filling his kitchen. Phil giggled and walked towards him, not making a noise, trying to get a closer look at the food he was making.  
'Fuck me' Dan muttered angrily. He moved the pan in circular motions and stared at the black mass in the middle of it. 'Shit'  
Phil couldn't contain himself anymore and laughed with his mouth really open.  
'Hey, what is the matter with you?!' Dan shouted at him, startled by his sudden appearance, 'I was trying to cook something for your sleepy-ass and you are laughing at me?'  
'I'm sorry' he responded, trying to hold back the loud laugh that was about to come out of his mouth, but he couldn't.  
'Dork' he mumbled.  
'What was that?'  
'I said that you are an idiot and now it's your turn to order some food, asshole' Dan turned his back to him and placed the mess into the bin, smiling now that Phil couldn't see him.  
Phil grinned happily and walked towards him, putting his arms around Dan's body.  
'How did you sleep?'  
'Not as good as you, sleeping beauty' Dan looked up and peered at his eyes, blushing instantly when he noticed Phil was staring at him.  
'In my defence, I must say that I don't know what the hell happened to me'  
'What is up to you with all this swearing, Phil Lester?' Dan said with a smirk. He was touching the fabric of Phil's shirt with both hands, playing with it while trapped by his arms.  
'I don't know' he said truly, 'you make me do things I wouldn't normally do'  
Dan smiled at the statement and raised his head slowly, his eyes peering at Phil's mouth. His cheeks were bright pink, the thoughts in his head spinning too fast.  
'How are you today?' the older man asked.  
It had been a rough night, and Phil knew he had slept in because he was emotionally exhausted when he hit the bed. Dad had shared everything within his head in a painful weeping, leaving Phil hurt about something that wasn't even his own past. He had seen him shiver and crumble before his own eyes, which made him want to be by his side forever.  
Dan had decided to stay the night, but leaving Phil in his own bed and taking the other one himself. He needed it.  
'Right now I'm pretty good' he responded with a smile.  
He knew Dan didn't need more of that, and he was glad the boy was able to smile after all that came through his lips the night before. Phil admired his strength, the ability he had to laugh and make his eyes shine, regardless of how obscure his thoughts were.  
'You look pretty, too' he said, taking in the little smirk Dan gave him while blushed.  
There was something between the two of them that had changed from the moment Dan decided he trusted Phil. Something had fitted together inside of Phil's heart, and he was almost sure Dan felt the same. There were still traces of Alex's words in Phil's brain, and he was trying to deal with them the best he could, not wanting to influence Dan thoughts about him.  
He knew it was fucked up, and he wished he had known Dan at that time so he could have protected him like he was trying to now, but he didn't want to interfere with Dan's battle. It was his personal and non-transferable past and he didn't want to fight it with him. It was something he wished he could but knew he couldn't.  
He was looking at Dan, wondering why his eyes looked different that morning. More dreamy, charming, maybe brighter. 

  
' _You know that feeling_ ' he had read once ' _when you know someone for a long time and suddenly one day it all becomes different. Like you two have changed at the same_ time, _like something has entwined you from within. And you woke up next day and your face is different, your skin feels softer, time seems a little bit faster and their eyes pass right through yours. So you just- you just look at that one person and it feels like you've just met them. I don't know if it makes sense, but you've just met them and you feel like you've known them since forever. I guess it's finding a treasure that's been right in front of you this whole time. The hardest part is to know how to enjoy it now that you have it._ '

  
Phil chuckled lightly at the memory. He hoped the brunette felt the same about him because he was already planning how to make the best of his present time.   
'Uh, Phil...' the boy said, pulling away from his embrace, 'I just... I just wanted to say thank you'  
'And what's that for?' he asked, allowing him to separate.  
The boy was almost shivering, his hands playing nervously while his eyes watched him through his lashes.  
'I just feel the need to' Dan muttered, 'I also want to ask you something'  
He raised his head and draw in a breath, smiling nervously.  
'What is it?' Phil asked.  
'This...' he said moving his finger between the two of them, 'I want to do it' he paused for a moment, and Phil stood quietly allowing him to find the right words, 'I just don't know how. I feel I'm constantly fucking it up with all this mess.'  
He laughed anxiously, trying to seem less serious, and Phil noticed the quick movements of his fingers. He wanted to stop fighting the urge and wrap Dan in his arms, tell him he didn't need to speak anymore if he didn't feel like it, but he also knew Dan had probably been planning that speech for hours.  
'I don't want to ask you to wait for me, but at the same time, I can't find the guts to leave you. I'm just a mess by myself, but with you, I feel I have so many chances to make things right. And I want to show you everything.'  
Dan inhaled shakily and smiled again, his lips trembling a little. Phil took a step forward and asked, 'what do you want to show me?'  
'That I want you' he muttered and came closer to Phil, burying his face in his chest. He let the boy relax, feeling his agitated breathing against his thorax, his smile constant on his face. He was so proud of him.  
'Can I...' Dan said looking up, obviously nervous. 'Can I spend the night here?'  
Phil caressed his cheek, smiling brightly still, 'You don't need to ask that'  
Dan blushed, sticking out his tongue.  
'But I do believe there's a ton of dirty clothes waiting for you to do the laundry, mate.'  
'Not higher than the pile of work on your desk' Dan responded with a teasing grin, pulling away from his chest and making his way to the end of the kitchen.

* * *

  
Phil was almost touching his brain of how intensely he was scratching his head. Dan had been right: there was a stack of documents looking at him on his desk and his stomach was screaming loudly at the lack of food in his belly.  
He heard a knock at his door and raised his head, noticing a pair of eyes staring at him from behind the wood.  
'I'm bored' Dan said pouting. His hair was messy and his cheeks red, and Phil had the feeling he had been sleeping all the afternoon.  
He let out a loud sigh and tilted his head back, closing his eyes. He grunted, pinching the skin on his cheeks with his hands, and sighed again.  
'That's too many sounds to process' Dan said, his body still behind the door, 'do you need anything?  
'Help! I need help!' Phil screamed, but quickly apologized for the intensity of the moment, 'I'm sorry, this is just too much work for me'  
Dan decided to enter the room and sat on the chair in front of Phil, waiting for him to elaborate.  
'I had this employee a few weeks ago, her name was Jackie. She was the one who did all the creative work for the company since we are only a few workers.' Phil began explaining, 'She quitted a month ago, and since then there is a constant pile of work in front of me.'  
'What did she do?'  
'Everything, honestly. She was so creative and talented and brilliant. But she found another job and now I don't have enough creative skills to solve all of this. And time, I really need time.'  
'And why don't you hire someone new?' Dan asked, glancing at the papers at his right.  
'Because I can't find anyone that good! I feel like she left a huge void when she quitted and now I expect too much from everybody, and everyone is just awful at this job.'  
Dan looked at the first sheet on the pile and stood silently for a couple of minutes.  
'How about a pair of shoes?' he said, not looking at Phil.  
'What?'  
' _Stuck on the ground_ ' Dan read, 'that's the name of the book. How about a pair of shoes glued to the ground, but empty? Like there's no one wearing them, but they're the reason why you feel attached to the ground'.  
'It's not about that at all. The author picked a title that has nothing to do with the story' Phil said, 'I think that one it's about time-travelling'  
'So two different shoes' Dan said with a glint in his eyes, 'one from the 90s and the other one from ancient Egypt, or whatever it is about.'  
'That's... That's actually a good idea' Phil said, glazing at him with an enthusiastic look.  
Dan raised his head promptly and a bright smile appeared on his face, his cheeks pink.  
'I can help you if you want' the boy said sincerely, and Phil almost jumped off his chair to hug him.

A few hours later, papers spread all around the floor, Phil sighed for the 45th time that night.  
'I need fun. I'm going to die.' he said, 'If I were a sim, I'd be dead already'  
'We should take a break. A 9-hours-break at least' Dan said scratching his red eyes, 'I'm tired too'  
'Yeah, you're probably right' he said, getting up from the floor and stretching his legs, 'want to eat?'  
'Please' said Dan with a small smile.  
They wandered the house slowly, stopping at the kitchen to grab the leftovers from lunch, and crushed together into the couch.  
They ate eagerly not paying attention to the show on TV and once done, Phil let his body melt on top of the couch, too tired to move.  
'Thank you' he said quietly, 'You didn't have to do all of that'  
Dan turned his head to look at him and smiled, his expression tender, 'that's what friends do'  
Phil felt something grow in his chest, not sure what unleashed it. He knew Dan and him were friends, but the way Dan had said it like he wanted to be so much more, had Phil's heart beating faster than it should.  
He stared at him for a couple of minutes while Dan kept his sight focus on the TV show. 24 hours ago, that boy had decided to pull off a part of his body and hand it to him, not doubting for a second. For all he knew, Phil could have been the same kind of garbage.  
He wanted to open his mouth and tell Dan everything he felt, thanking him for his trust. He felt so special, knowing the boy had let him in without hesitation, and he didn't know how to word that. He had found himself speechless on multiple occasions since he met Dan.  
Not knowing how to spit out everything on the tip of his tongue, he inhaled slowly and opened his mouth, 'I'm glad we are'  
In that moment, the boy turned around leaned in to place a kiss on his cheeks, caressing the skin on his neck while he did so, and Phil understood everything a little more.  
There was no clear answer, no instructions, nothing to follow. He just knew Dan only needed time, but that wasn't a problem to him.  
With Dan, he felt no rush.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love all your kudos and nice comments!  
> As always, let me know if there's something wrong, I really appreciate it!


	11. eleven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so so so so sorry I haven't been able to upload. I've been having medical issues and I needed to take care of myself, but I'm back in business!  
> Sorry if this chapter is a little short, I am a little out of place right now, I need to get into the story again.  
> See you next week, enjoy!

The TV making weird noises woke Phil up. His hair was messy and he was almost sure there was dry guacamole on his chin. He sat up quickly and noticed Dan was tightly wrapped around his lower body, his head on top of his stomach. He couldn't help but smile, causing chunks of guacamole to drop down his face.  
Everything seemed too natural. Dan sleeping peacefully cuddling his stomach, the dim light of the TV lightening up the room, the persistent warm in his chest once again spreading on his body.  
Phil placed his hand carefully on top of Dan's head and began stroking his hair gently. He looked so pure like that, too soft for this world.  
He thought about the situation: he had fallen in love with his employee. And not only he was willing to do anything to be with him, he wanted to make him happy.  
Dan stirred a little, moving his head so Phil could have more access to his neck, and the older man smiled fondly.  
'I know you are awake' he said quietly, 'stop pretending it'  
'But don't stop' he muttered.  
'What was that, mumbles?'  
Dan was still, his eyes closed, and he moved his arm slowly and grabbed Phil's hand. He shivered at the contact, and Dan moved his hand so it was on top of his head again.  
'I like it' he said in a deep voice.  
Phil laughed quietly and stroked his hair again, noticing how the boy was smiling. He kept doing it for a long time, caressing the skin on his face once in a while, touching his neck every time Dan sighed.  
'I like you' he said, so low that he was certain no one could be able to hear it.  
And he fell asleep like that, his neck twisted, his hand hurting, and a tiny boy curled up on his stomach.  
  


* * *

  
  
When he woke up the next morning, a black smoke was coming out of his kitchen. He got up so quickly his head began to spin in circles.  
'Is this some kind of deja vu?' he said as soon as he entered the kitchen.  
Dan turned around, his face trying to portrait madness.  
'Hey!' he complained, 'maybe your bad vibes are the ones ruining my pancakes everyday'  
Phil laughed loudly and received a punch on the arm from the boy, 'what the hell are you laughing about?'  
'W-was that- oh my god' he said, still giggling, 'was that a pancake?'  
His smile was so bright Dan couldn't find the guts to be mad about it.  
'Yes!' he shouted, and throw the (once again) black mass into the bin.  
'This is certainly a deja vu'  
'Fuck you' Dan muttered, staring deeply at him.  
Phil didn't know why, but he approached him quickly, almost leaning in for a kiss, and stopped as soon as he realized he was going too fast.  
Dan had lowered his eyes, his cheeks were really colored, aware of Phil's intentions.  
There was a moment of silence, both not knowing what to do, Dan staring down and Phil's eyes looking up.  
'I-I have work to do'  
'We could just eat some cereal' they both spoke at the same time, looking at each other.  
Dan's mouth was dry, his lips slightly parted. Phil's eyes were traveling his face, still trying to reach a decision. The boy was blushing still, his eyes really open. He could feel his own heart beating, his breathing fastening.  
He was about to do it, he was almost sure he wanted to do it. He just needed two seconds, to inhale just once.  
He-  
'Isn't that the phone in your office?' Dan said, finally looking away.  
'Oh, shit' he said, realizing he hadn't been paying attention to the sound at all.  
He ran upstairs, almost falling down in the hallway, and picked up the phone out of breath.  
'Hello?'  
'Phil!' he heard Ryan said, 'Congratulations!'  
'W-What?' he said, trying to recall any recent events he had been part of.  
'Your idea, man! It was so good, everybody it's really happy Max has finally approved something' Ryan was almost shouting, the excitement remarkable.  
'Ryan, wait a second', he said sitting down, 'what are you talking about? Who is Max?'  
'Max, the author. Our newest addition. _Stuck on the ground_ , the next bestseller?'  
'Yeah, okay, what about that?' he asked, still confused.  
'What do you mean what about that? She has been complaining for at least a month, and yesterday she saw your idea for the front cover and she loved it' Ryan said, so loud Phil had to separate the phone from his ear a little bit, 'Finally! Good work, Phillip'  
'Oh my God' he said, realizing it, 'the _shoes-idea_?'  
'Yes! Did you forget about it?' Ryan asked in a pitched voice.  
'No, it's just...' suddenly, an idea crossed his mind, 'I wasn't mine'  
'What?'  
'It was Dan's. You do remember him, right? From that one time at my house. He was helping me sort a couple of things out yesterday and had the idea himself. I thought, since Jackie is no longer working for us, we could use his help. Maybe hire him and see how he works' he paused for a moment 'I think he has great potential, he is really creative and very responsible. What do you think? I really think we should- you know. And maybe if he is not the one we are looking for, I don't know'  
He stopped abruptly and heard Ryan breath loudly.  
'I mean, sure' he answered, 'You are the one in charge of all of this. If you think he has the ability, go ahead.'  
'Great' he said, the excitement in his voice really evident, 'I would let him know'  
'But' Ryan said, 'just... Don't tell him yet'  
'What do you mean?'  
'I have a couple of things that have been laying around for too long. Two front covers, a poster from that convention in March, our new logo...'  
'Mmm, what's your plan?'  
'If you want to do things right, let's test him. He would work on one of those ideas for a couple of days, maybe a week. We meet up with the authors, the convention people or the shareholders of our company and show them the work, see if they like it. And that's all, we hire him. That way he could test how he handles things seriously, not giving his hopes up.'  
'Okay, send me those things. I'll call you later'  
He hung up immediately, running downstairs to meet Dan.  
He was washing his cereal bowl and turned his head a little so he could look at him.  
'Was it important?' he asked.  
'Yes. I mean, just a normal call' Phil responded, 'not too much. Just a little.'  
'Okay, you weirdo.' he said with a smirk.  
'I'm hungry'  
'Of course, you are' Dan teased.  
'Would you help me today, please?' Phil asked, trying not to sound too excited, pouring a big amount of cereal into his bowl.  
'I don't know...' Dan answered in a low voice, his back facing Phil.  
'Why?' he asked concerned, 'I mean, you don't have to, but I could use your help. It's not much, I promise'  
He was a little anxious, thinking maybe Dan didn't want that job. It was a little better than cleaning a big ass house, but he knew Dan was only saving money so he could return to college.  
'It's okay if you don't want to' he kept saying, 'I'm not forcing you or anything'  
'Hey' Dan interrupted him, 'Shut up'  
Phil opened his mouth again, ready to talk again, but Dan turned around and got closer to him slowly. He was blushing, his mouth slightly ajar, and he stopped his feet too close to the dark-haired man.  
'I'm just upset' he murmured.  
'Why?' Phil wasn't sure he had uttered the words, he was too nervous. What could have possibly made him upset? Had he done anything wrong?  
'We were having a moment...' he said slowly, 'and then you ran upstairs and left me here'  
Phil wanted to ask what did that mean, but his mouth wasn't working. He looked at him as he felt Dan's hand traveling his upper body, finally stopping on his neck. The boy looked at him, licking his lips, and Phil made a weird sound, almost suffocating.  
'I like you too, Phil' he said, and finally kissed him.  
It wasn't like anything Phil had ever lived before. It was hunger, desire, passion, and love altogether. He felt like he needed more hands, using the ones he had to travel his body gently. He caressed his face with his fingers, keeping him close with the other hand, tasting every centimeter inside of his mouth. He felt really alive.  
Dan was whimpering, he could feel his cheeks burning.  
They kept kissing, his drooling mouths crashing sloppily together. When Phil pulled away, he could felt the inside of his body crumpling at the sight of Dan. He was looking at him through his lashes, his mouth shiny, and his cheeks bright pink.  
'Happy now?' he asked softly.  
'Mmm' he answered, hiding his face on his chest, 'I probably will need more of that later'  
Phil smiled widely, and stroked his hair again, not wanting to stop once again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always, I appreciate your kudos, comments, and corrections! thank you!


	12. twelve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I reeeeeeally enjoyed writing this chapter, so I hope you like it!  
> thank you for all your nice comments and kudos! :)

  
'Kiss me' Dan said pouting.  
Phil giggled quietly and raised his head to look at him, 'What?'  
'I said "kiss me"' he repeated, 'I'm tired, I've been thinking for at least two hours straight and I need some kind of energy, so I'm politely asking you to kiss me'  
Phil laughed again and got up from his chair, walking towards Dan, who was standing under the door frame and closed the space between them.  
The kiss was so gentle Phil thought Dan's lips were made of a really soft material, like cotton candy. He could feel the boy smiling against his lips, and he raised his hand to touch his neck lightly.  
'Too much work?' he asked quietly, pressing his forehead against him.  
'Yeah' he muttered, 'but don't worry, I've got it'  
'You do?' Phil asked, a little nervous. Dan had shown interest in a really specific project. It was something that they had been delaying for months, not sure how to approach it. The author wanted a really detailed drawing covering the front and the back of the book. None of the workers at Phil’s Company had those skills, but Dan had seemed too interested in the idea.  
'Mmh, I'm working on the sketch'  
Phil was sure this work was meant for Dan, and seeing him excited about it made him really happy. He smiled and placed a kiss on his nose, 'Thank you'  
'I mean, are you thinking about drowning me with work and not paying me a single penny?' Dan said with a hand on his hip, 'That's rude'  
'You are the rude one!' he responded, pulling back from the embrace trying not to laugh, 'I was just thinking about taking you out to dinner but I don't know anymore'  
'You were?' Dan said blushing, his eyes too bright. 'You are lying'  
‘No I’m not’ he said, pinching Dan’s cheek, ‘french fries and milkshakes?’  
‘Sure, Lester’ the boy said with a smiled and turned his back to him, ‘I’m going back to the couch, aka my “creative office”’  
Phil laughed and closed the door, ready to call Ryan about the good news.

* * *

  
  
‘Mango?’ he said with a grin.  
‘Yeah, I want a little bit of excitement in my life’ Dan answered, ‘It has been months since I drank my last milkshake, I want it to be memorable’  
‘So the fact that you are here with me isn’t memorable enough?’ Phil asked, filling his mouth with fries.  
‘Dork’ the boy answered blushing.  
They were in a really old building. Before they had found the entrance to the place, Dan had thought they were completely lost. There was nothing else on that street apart from a really bright sign and a bus stop.  
‘Are you sure this is the place?’ he had asked, concerned.  
‘Yeah, best milkshakes in the world’  
‘I think we are lost’ Dan had muttered.  
But it was, in fact, the best milkshake Dan had ever swallowed. The vase (he had understood why Phil loved that place that much, because he didn’t know what a glass was) was decorated with mango stickers, two orange straws coming out of it.  
‘Oh my god, this is fucking amazing’ he said rolling his eyes.  
‘I told you’ Phil said with a smirk, ‘I used to come here every week when I was starting my business. It helped me think’  
‘Did you bring me here so I could finish my work tonight?’ the boy was paying almost no attention to Phil, focusing on his meal.  
‘I don’t want you to work tonight’ he said quietly, lowering his eyes.  
Dan blushed instantly, engulfing a ton of fries trying to hide it.  
They spent the rest of their meals in silence, enjoying each other presence.  
‘Tell me something I don’t know about you’ Phil said when Dan swallowed his last fry.  
‘I don’t think there is something you don’t know about me’ he answered quietly.  
‘I’m sure there is’ Phil placed his hand on top of Dan’s own and waited.  
‘I… I don’t know’  
‘Okay, I will start’ he said, and inhaled loudly before speaking again, ‘I really like my job because I get to do it at home’  
‘I knew that already! It wasn’t difficult to figure it out’  
‘It’s your turn!’ Phil said, ignoring his whining.  
‘Mmm… I’m bisexual’  
‘That’s something I was well aware of, Dan’ he said with a smirk.  
‘Yeah, it’s your turn now’  
‘Okay, dumbass. Mmm… I like to call my mom every day’  
‘I don’t feel like talking to her that often’ he said quietly.  
‘Why is that?’ Phil asked, moving his arm to try to hold his hand.  
‘She is not too happy about my actual job and life decisions…’  
‘Oh… Do you want to talk about it?’  
‘No, it’s okay.’ Dan said, moving his hand away from Phil’s own. ‘It’s your turn’  
‘So… My favorite holiday is Christmas’  
‘That’s nice. I really like Halloween too.’  
They kept going like that, stating facts they thought the other should know, and explaining things so they could both laugh about it.  
  
‘I feel really comfortable with you’ Phil muttered half an hour later.  
‘Is that a fact?’ Dan said quickly.  
‘Yeah, I bet you didn’t know that.’  
They both giggled a little and looked away, nervous. Phil thought they seemed like a couple of teenagers, blushing all the time and laughing in the most stupid way.  
‘I don’t think you are going to hurt me’ Dan muttered, ‘and it’s the first time I have felt something like that’  
Phil stared at him, noticing the quick movements of his fingers while his eyes avoided him.  
‘I want you to spend the night with me’  
‘That’s another fact? Do you always want that?’ Dan said teasingly, blushing at the same time.  
‘Yeah, I’m a weirdo’  
‘You don’t fit in?’  
‘And I don’t want to fit in’, he was keeping his face straight, fighting a laugh, and he reached the table to grab a napkin and place it over his head, ‘have you ever seen me without this stupid hat on? That’s weird.’  
Dan rolled his eyes, laughing loudly.  
‘Nice way to avoid my fact’ Phil said, still smiling brightly.  
‘What do you want me to say? It is my turn now’ the boy responded.  
‘Okay, go ahead’  
‘I want to spend the night with you’  
‘So that is, in fact, a fact. Do you want that every night?’  
There was a moment of silence, Dan obviously trying to say the words out loud.  
‘Yeah’ he finally muttered, ‘I kind of do’  
  
They decided not to grab a cab and walk home, both of them trying to figure out how were they going to sleep. It had been a really intimate night, and they had spent the past two days confined together in the pillows of Phil’s couch. It hadn’t been a rational decision, they had fallen asleep on the cushions not really thinking about it.  
But now, walking home at midnight, his feet tired and his bodies ready to sleep, they were both anxious about whether they should ask about sleeping together or not.  
  
Opening the door in silence, Phil let Dan in first and locked it after slowly, getting more nervous with every second.  
‘Do you want some water or anything?’ he said loudly as he saw Dan go upstairs.  
‘No, thanks’ he heard him say.  
He steadied himself in the kitchen, drank some water and finally went upstairs.  
Having the best choice of words memorized in his brain, he entered his room to notice a young boy trapped inside his bed.  
‘I got in here already. I was cold’ Dan said from under the duvet. ‘Sorry I didn’t wait for you’  
Phil opened his mouth to say something, but he realized he couldn’t do anything but smile about it.  
‘I’ll be there in a minute, let me get my pj's’  
  
It was way easier than Phil had thought it would be. Lazily bringing Dan’s body closer with his arm, stroking his hair softly, whispering against his mouth, pressing his lips together, placing his hand on his lower back.  
It was surprisingly easy to fall asleep like that, and yet Phil was trying so hard to stay awake.  
‘I know this is going to sound stupid’ Dan said quietly against his mouth, ‘but have you ever wanted to live in a moment forever?’  
‘Which romantic film are you quoting right now?’ Phil said, mocking him.  
‘Hey, you stupid. I was trying to say something’  
‘Okay, I’m sorry. You may continue.’  
Dan sighed loudly and Phil felt his back tighten.  
‘I just… I don’t know if I would be able to do this tomorrow. Or if you will want me the next week. So I want to live here forever.’  
‘I get it’ Phil whispered, ‘I really do.’  
‘But what?’  
‘It’s… It’s weird’ Phil said ‘I want to move forward, I want you to understand this is the less of me you are going to get.’  
‘What do you mean?’ he was almost shaking, his body full of emotion.  
 ‘I don’t know, I guess you are still afraid of me’ he murmured, ‘and it really makes me sad’  
Dan inhaled deeply, not knowing how to answer.  
Phil knew it was a harsh statement, but he wanted to be one hundred percent honest with him.  
‘All I’m trying to say’ he said in a rush, ‘is that I’ll be here tomorrow’  
He paused for a moment, trying to read Dan’s face in the darkness of his room.  
‘And this thing that is happening right now’ he continued, ‘is the best thing that has happened to me in months. But, at the same time, I want to live so many things with you this would be just another night’  
‘Just another night?’ the boy asked, this time shivering a little.  
‘Yeah, because we are going to get a ton of nights like this’  
‘I don’t want this night to be just another one’ Dan muttered.  
‘Why?’ he said, ‘I didn’t mean it in a bad way. Did you understand what I was trying to say?’  
‘Yeah’ he answered slowly, ‘it’s just…’  
‘What?’  
They both paused for a moment, his hands searching for each other’s body. Dan inhaled shakily a few times, trying to calm down.  
They were so close they could almost hear the other one blink.  
‘This isn’t another day for me. Every time we are together, I feel like I have never felt this happy’  
‘Yeah, that was what I was tryin-‘  
‘I love you, Phil’  
A nervous tic shook Phil’s leg, and his throat made a weird sound.  
‘I want this night to be the night I tell you that I love you’  
Phil was silent, his tongue between his teeth.  
‘And no, I don’t fucking know what film this is from, you dork’ Dan teased.  
Phil closed the small space between their lips and kissed him, holding his face tightly.  
‘Do you get it now?, Dan said between kisses, his breathing heavy and his cheeks so red the other man’s hands were burning ‘I want to live here forever, Phil’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let me know if you liked it or if there's anything wrong in the comments!


	13. thirteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you like it!

Phil woke up because he felt Dan wasn't sleeping by his side anymore. He stirred a little and groaned, turning to look at his phone. It wasn't even 7 am in the morning and he was already hearing loud steps coming from somewhere in the house.  
'Dan?' he mumbled, searching him on the bed with the palm of his hand.  
He waited a few seconds for all the memories from the day before to come back to his brain. It had been a really weird night.  
He remembered Dan. Every part of him was still seeping into his body, leaving a forever mark. He caressed the pillow where Dan had been sleeping and sighed, a little defeated by his emotions.  
What was that? The uncontrollable strong desire to get up of the bed and look for him, kiss him, grab him, and ask him to spend the rest of his life in his arms.  
For God's sake, it wasn't even 7 am.  
'Are you awake?' a voice startled him, sending his thoughts away. Dan's head was looking at him from behind the door and Phil smiled at the sight.  
'Mmh' he answered.  
'Great!' Dan almost yelled, 'because I want you to see something and I couldn't wait'  
'That's why you are up this early?'  
'I mean, what can I do if I am suddenly awake because I found my will in my dreams?'  
Phil giggled with the tongue out of his mouth and covered his head with the duvet.  
'Okay, genius, just let me sleep while you work'  
'I'm done! That's why I'm here. Come see it!' the boy said, approaching the bed and patting Phil's legs.  
He snored a little, trying to convince Dan he was sleeping again, and the boy kicked off his shoes to annoy him from beneath the duvet.  
'You're cold' Phil complained, feeling Dan's freezing hands travelling his bed, 'I don't like it'  
'Sorry, let me warm up'  
'How are y-' Phil couldn't finish the question because Dan was placing his lips on top of his own, pinning him against the mattress. He opened his eyes widely, kind of confused. The boy was kissing him with so much passion, it was difficult for him to stay calm. The kiss was slowly increasing its intensity, making him feel Dan's hotness all over his body.  
'You okay?' Dan asked between kisses, a teasing smile on his face.  
Phil smiled lightly, noticing how the cheeks of the boy went red in a matter of seconds. He let out a weird sound, wanting to communicate his urge to keep going.  
Dan's had slipped his hand under his shirt and he began caressing his way up to Phil's chest, moving his fingers in circular motions. He was already hard, his cock uncomfortably pressed against the fabric of his boxers, almost dripping.   
Aware of each and every movement of Dan's body, he let the boy go as far as he felt comfortable with, not wanting to push it.  
'I like this' he heard him say from behind his ear, feeling sloppy kisses around his neck and earlobe.  
'What?' he asked, wanting him to elaborate.  
'The noises you are making' he whispered.  
'I don't know what are you talking about' Phil said, feeling his cheeks blush. Dan was placing extremely soft kisses on his body, breathing softly into his ear.  
'I think you do' he said and bit his earlobe slowly. Phil felt his hand move to hold his face, already sweating a little because of the situation. Dan's hip was beginning to move a little, almost as if he wanted to press his whole body against him. When he felt his cock slightly rub his inner thigh, Phil shifted a little.  
'W-What are you doing?' he asked, and couldn't help but groan a little.  
'Kiss you' Dan answered, returning his lips to Phil's mouth, 'what does it look like?'  
'What is up with you this morning?' he asked when he finally could break apart from the kiss.  
'I don't know. I'm just happy' he said, and moved his hips a little, 'and, I mean, I don't want to assume anything, but I really think you are happy too'  
'W-What?'  
'I didn't mean to talk about your erection like this, I swear. It just came out of my mouth' he said in a rush, 'Oh my God, nothing came out of my mouth. Not your erection, goddamit.'  
'Dan, are you okay?' Phil asked, laughing.  
'I guess no is the answer' he said pouting, 'I just wanted to say good morning to you and now I am a mess and I just talked about your current erection out loud.'  
'Could you please stop mentioning it? He knows you are watching him.'  
'He?'  
'What?'  
They stared at each other for a few seconds, both trying to hold their laugh, but they couldn't wait too long.  
'You are an idiot' Dan said, and kissed him again, 'and I want to make a deal'  
'I'm listening'  
'Let's get out of bed, eat some nice breakfast, show you my work and then we can talk about your erection some more'  
Phil smiled a little and nodded, 'okay'  
'Don't like the plan?'  
'Yeah, but...' he said, 'you don't have to do anything you don't want to, you know that?'  
Dan grabbed Phil by his wrists and pinned him against the bed again, looking at him deeply in the eyes.  
'I'm not' he answered quietly, 'so let me do this'  
'Right' Phil said.  
'I no longer think I'm going to lose you if I don't suck you off, Phil' he elaborated, 'so if I talk about your hard penis is because I feel okay with it. I don't want to ignore that'  
'But do y-'  
'I don't know. Right now, I feel comfortable enough to talk about it, okay?'  
Phil smiled and closed his eyes, 'you are so weird'  
'Why?'  
'Because you have been talking about my genitals for five minutes now'  
'Shut up' he said, kissing him once more.

* * *

  
'Oh my God, Dan, this is amazing' Phil said once they were out of bed, his stomachs full, 'I-Its amazing'  
'Do you like it? I didn't know if it was too much'  
'Absolutely not, it's perfect' he said, scanning the piece slowly, 'and the detail it's amazing. I can't stop saying the word 'amazing' because I'm honestly amazed'  
Dan laughed nervously, touching his fingers and looking between his artwork and Phil's eyes at the speed of light.  
'You sure?' he kept going, 'I don't know if this part, the one with the clocks... I mean, maybe it's too much. It's way more than the author expects.'  
'Dan, shut up, it's amazing' he said, his eyes not leaving the paper. The drawing was black and white, not even shadows, but Dan had included so many details Phil's eyes were discovering something new every second.  
The author had asked for a full cover of his book, wanting the story to be portrayed on the front and back of the book. Dan had drawn the full story in a continuous line, not separating the pen from the paper. Then he had included all the details with a much thinner pen, and finished it with the title of the book in bold letters on top of the drawing.  
'I'm sending it to Ryan right now' Phil said, really happy about the outcome of his idea 'I'm so excited'  
'Yeah, I can tell' the boy said, smiling brightly.  
Phil ran to his office in no-time, phoning Ryan and sending him everything Dan had made, too anxious to find out the result of it.

He decided to wait for the response wandering around his couch, while Dan was playing some Mario Kart.  
'How are you this relaxed? I can't stop thinking about it'  
'About what?' Dan asked, too focused on the game.  
'About your design!' he almost yelled, throwing himself into the couch by Dan's side, 'is he going to like it?'  
Dan pressed pause on the game and turned his head to face Phil, a smirk on his face.  
'What?' the man asked, blushing a little bit, 'I'm just worried'  
'Worried about what?' Dan asked, moving closer to him, 'if he doesn't like it it's not big deal. I'll do another one.'  
'You will?'  
'Sure, I mean, I chose this job, I want to finish it' he said, placing his hand on top of Phil's chest, staring deeply into his eyes, 'I'm not going to quit now'  
His last words were different, almost as he wanted to say too many things. He began tracing weird shapes on top of Phil's chest with his fingers, his eyes focused on his face.  
'Don't worry about it' he said softly.  
Phil smiled, letting his shoulders relax, and sighed a little.  
'Also, there is this other thing...' Dan began.  
'What is it?' the other man asked, his muscles tense again.  
'Well, I don't want to be rude or anything, but we had some kind of plan that... we are not following right now'  
'What do you mean?' Phil asked, a confused look on his face. His mind was too wrapped around the idea of rejection he wasn't aware of his current situation: Dan was almost on top of him, his cheeks so red it was unusual, his breathing heavy and his eyes full of lust.  
'Oh...' he pronounced once he realized Dan's intention.  
'Yeah...' the boy said slowly, still tracing a path on his chest, 'do you...?'  
Confusing enough, they were not uncomfortable at all. The slowness of the situation was due to the fact they didn't want to hurt each other. They wanted to make sure it was just love.   
Phil nodded for a few seconds and stroked Dan's hair a little bit before shoving him softly to lay down on the couch.  
'Let me do this' he said quietly into his ear, his left hand unbuckling his belt. Dan's mouth was slobbering, his cheeks still red from moments before. They stick their lips together, too hungry for each other.  
'Phil...' he murmured, fluttering his eyes shut as the man cupped his erection softly.  
He kissed him thoroughly, massaging his cock through the fabric of his boxers. Dan was trying not to shudder beneath him, his lips too soft against Phil's own.  
'Let me take your shirt off' he said, and Dan was happy to comply.   
Phil began kissing his way down to his navel, slowly leaving a trace of drool across his stomach, 'you taste so good'   
The boy shuddered a little, a soft laugh coming out of his mouth.  
When Phil reached his underwear, he placed his mouth softly on top of Dan's hard cock, licking it in a smooth motion. He heard Dan moan and smiled, repeating the action.  
'Fuck, come on already' the boy said breathing heavily.  
Phil laughed and proceeded to take off his pants and boxers, letting Dan's erection free.  
'You look so good' Phil said, wrapping his hand around his cock and moving it slowly, 'so good'  
Dan was already aching, moving his own hips so Phil's hand could reach the head of his dick. When he opened his eyes, he saw Phil was looking at him with so much desire he couldn't help but moan, tilting his head back.  
'Do you want me to keep going with my mouth?' Phil said trying to sound as much subtle as he could.  
'Fuck, _please_ ' Dan said in a whisper, closing his eyes again.  
Phil obeyed quickly, wrapping his lips around the tip of his cock softly, letting Dan's hip thrust into his mouth.  
He increased the pace, leaving a wet trail along his shaft. He was so eager, making so many noises with his mouth, bobbing his head gently, Dan knew he wouldn't last much longer. When he caught eyes with his own, opening his mouth a little to let out a big amount of drool, Dan grabbed his hair and groaned loudly.  
'Fuck, I'm going to come' he said, lifting his hips so his whole cock was inside Phil's mouth, shivering and moaning at the sensation.  
The man swallowed it all, placing a few kisses on his inner thighs before laying down next to him.  
They let the other breath for a few minutes, both trying to figure out what to say next, overwhelmed by everything.  
'Thank you' they both murmured two minutes later and smiled right after.  
There was no need to explain what were they thankful for.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let me know if there is anything wrong!  
> also, thank you for your nice comments! I really appreciate it, you are all so sweet  
> see you next week!


	14. fourteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so here it begins, I'm going to hell...  
> enjoy!

Phil woke up because there was a certain ass pressed against his current erection. He waited a few seconds to understand the moment, the dim light of the room making his brain work slowly. He detached his hand from his blankets and traced a patch from Dan’s shoulder to his thigh, noticing how his body was bent.  
He giggled quietly a little bit and stretched his arms, groaning while doing so. He had no idea of what time it was, but the sun was already peaking through his curtains. He felt happy.  
Dan had fallen asleep in his arms, breathing quietly into his neck. He realized suddenly what had happened the night before on his couch. It had been a fucking big deal to him and yet he had acted so naturally. He wanted to taste Dan so bad, to make him feel good, wanted, loved. It was overwhelming the amount of emotion he had put in a “simple” blowjob.  
He wanted to do it again, hear Dan moaning his name, grabbing his hair violently, thrusting into his mouth, he wanted to feel the weight of his cock against his tongue. Fuck, he was getting harder. He was about to jump off the bed to finish his intense memory in the bathroom when he noticed Dan was moving his hips just a little bit.  
‘Are you awake?’ he whispered, coming closer to his ear.  
Dan didn’t respond, but Phil was almost sure he couldn’t have not noticed the huge erection that was almost sliding between his ass cheeks. He stood still for a few seconds, trying to figure out whether Dan was teasing him with his hips or it was just his imagination.  
He was already coming up with a plan, so he began caressing Dan’s chest gently, drawing his body near to him so he could have better access. Once his chest was pressed against Dan’s back, he changed the path of his fingers and decided to go lower, teasing the boy “sleeping” next to him. His fingers were almost too gentle, touching lightly the skin between the end of his shirt and the beginning of his pants.  
He heard a weird exhalation coming out of Dan’s mouth so he decided to keep going. He placed his hand softly again Dan’s crotch, too close to his dick. He felt the fabric of the boxers grow bigger, and he smiled a little to himself: he was almost sure Dan couldn’t pretend to be asleep for much longer.  
But he was wrong. Like it was a game, he had felt how Dan had moved his hips way too slowly so his dick was trapped between his ass cheeks. Honestly, he couldn’t help but laugh at the boy’s reaction, already planning his next move.  
He slipped his hand inside his boxers, still moving slowly so Dan could realize what he was doing and stop him if he wanted, or tell Phil he was the best Teasing Man of the year.  
He touched a few drops of precum on his pubic area and bit his lip at the image. He felt Dan inhaling shakily, anticipating the moment in which Phil would wrap his hand around his cock gently. But the man didn’t want that yet, he wanted to make sure Dan was awake so he could keep playing, teasing the boy until he came on his hand.  
He moved his finger slowly until it was touching lightly the tip of his dick, wiping the precum on it. He felt how Dan shivered a little, and he was almost sure he had heard someone say “fuck” beside him. Phil was loving that game.  
With the tip of his fingers, he began tracing a path, making circles around the head of his dick, so teasingly slow he knew Dan was about to explode. He withdrew his hand, gaining a whine from the boy, and proceeded to lick the palm of it loudly. He felt and almost heard Dan shivering, anticipating the moment. Once his hand was wet, he slipped it inside of his boxers again, rubbing it against the head of his dick. This time he felt how Dan’s body bent just a little bit more, pressing his ass against his own erection, and heard a clear and loud “ _fuck_ ” coming out of Dan’s mouth. He was sure the boy was drooling at the sensation.  
Pressing his hand hard against Dan’s erection, he finally wrapped his fingers around it, feeling drops of precum falling down his hand. He removed the fabric around his cock so he could move better. Dan was already groaning, moving his hips strategically, making Phil’s head spin in circles.  
‘You know, this could be easier if you were awake’ Phil whispered, kissing his neck softly.  
‘Shut up and take my boxers down. I want you pressed against me’ Dan responded harshly.  
Phil didn’t need more words to understand Dan’s intentions, pulling down Dan’s boxers and his own pants. Once his erection was free, he touched it gently and placed it between Dan’s butt cheeks, thinking that was the best idea he could have had.  
He wrapped his hand around Dan’s cock once more, feeling the wetness and stickiness of the situation, and restarted the movement. Dan was moving his hips so much Phil’s cock was all over his ass, dropping precum everywhere. They were both moaning at the sensation.  
‘Fuck, _Phil_. You turn me on so much’ he said, placing his hand on his ass to spread it open, making Phil drool at the sight.  
The man began biting Dan’s neck softly, the rhythm of his hand increasing, making the hips that were driving him insane move faster. The frantic movements of the two of them and Dan’s moans were turning Phil on so much he couldn’t help or warn but come on his ass, the tip of his cock pressed hard against Dan’s hole.  
‘Did you just- Did you just come on me?’ Dan asked harshly.  
‘Yeah’ Phil responded, a little worried.  
‘Fuck, that’s so hot’ he muttered, moaning loudly right after that and coming on Phil’s hand.

  
Once they were in the kitchen 20 centimeters apart from each other, each one of them looking intensely at their bowl of cereal, they let the silence speak. It was getting so normal to sleep too squeezed together and spend the rest of the day 20 centimeters apart. But none of them had had the courage to speak about it, too scared to think they were heads over heels for each other.  
They finished having breakfast and cleaned their dishes together not making too much noise, smiling when their arms crushed together.  
They didn’t need words to decide it was their day off either, throwing themselves into the couch so they could play whatever and watch every show on tv.

 

‘I hate this show, I don’t know why I keep watching it like a dumbass’ were the first words Dan said after coming on Phil’s hand that morning.  
Phil looked at him in the eye and laughed, causing the both of them to blush like idiots.  
There was a certain smell around the house, like everything was changing a little. Phil placed his hand on Dan’s lap naturally, like nothing was stopping him. The boy didn’t hesitate either, intertwining their fingers together and playing –this time no nervous at all- with every and each one of them.  
‘ _Love is never like this_ ’ was no longer the smell of that home.

* * *

  
‘Coming!’ Phil yelled at the phone, knowing Ryan wouldn’t be able to hear it.  
‘Yeah?’ he answered breathlessly, ‘tell me things’  
‘PHIL’ he had to violently separate the phone from his ear because he was about to go deaf.  
‘Oh my God, Ryan, don’t scream in my ear’  
‘I’m sorry I’m too excited. You’ve got the job!’  
‘What job? I have a job. Was I fired recently?’ he said, confused.  
‘Not you, shithead’  
‘Could you please talk to me like the employee you are?’ he said, losing his temper.  
‘Alright, alright. You remember the sketch, right?’  
‘Mmh’ he nodded.  
‘It’s incredible. I mean, I saw it for the first time and I was like ‘no way this is all Dan’s’, it was just too good. So I searched for matches, in case there was a hint of plagiarism in it- you know the law, we cannot give clients anything 99% original, it has to be 100%. The thing is, there was not a single match! It was an all-original-work, I’m severely impressed, to be honest.’  
Ryan was already rambling, giving Phil more information than the one he needed.  
‘Ryan, please!’  
‘I’m getting there! So I sent it to the author, a little bit nervous because it was already 2 am and I was a bit of a mess – I haven’t sleep at all tonight’ Ryan sighed to the phone a Phil rolled his eyes, ‘But anyway, he LOVED IT! Fuck, I’m screaming again’  
‘He did? Ryan, are you sure?’  
‘He wants it! He said he didn’t need anything else, it was fantastic, he wants it published just like that’  
Phil was smiling ear to ear, he felt like he couldn’t wait to tell Dan.  
‘I’ve made a decision, I want him on our team. Not the author, Dan. I honestly don’t even care about your opinion anymore, he is really good, Phil’ Ryan assured.  
‘Yeah, of course, I’m going to tell Dan’  
‘Do you want me to send you the contract so he can sing it right now? That way, we could be able to pay him for this job’  
‘Yes, thank you’  
‘I’m all yours, Philly’ Ryan responded happily.  
‘Don’t say that’  
‘Okay. Tell him I’m happy about his new job. He could call me whenever, you now…’  
‘Sure, Ryan. Goodbye’ he said, rolling his eyes again.  
Phil put his phone down and waited until every paper he needed was printed.

 

He waited until Dan’s belly was full to approach the subject. They were standing in the kitchen, all the dishes from dinner clean.  
‘How was your day?’ the boy asked, drying his hands ‘I haven’t seen you since this morning’  
‘It was good’ Phil said, his eyes on the floor.  
‘That doesn’t sound too honest to me’  
‘It is. I’m a little bit nervous, that’s all’ he confessed.  
Dan made a weird face and drew near him, placing his right hand on his shoulder, ‘why?’  
Phil was silent for too long, making Dan feel a little anxious.  
‘Come on, tell me’  
‘I want you to work with me’  
Dan dropped his hand and stared at him quietly.  
‘What?’ he murmured. His eyes followed Phil’s movements, stopping at the papers he placed in front of him.  
‘I’m offering you to be the editorial designer of The Lion Stamp’  
‘The editorial… what?’ Dan asked, his eyes still analyzing the paper.  
‘The editorial designer. The creative mind of the Company. You could work from home.’  
‘Where is this coming from?’  
‘Your sketch, our client loved it’ he made sure the “our” had been loud enough, ‘I really think you have the creative skills we need, and I personally love how you work. I was really excited to offer you this job, been thinking about it a lot lately.’  
‘Do you w-want me to work with you?’ Dan asked, finally raising his head to look at him in the eye, ‘I just did a stupid sketch’  
Phil smiled brightly, his eyes wandering his face.  
‘That’s funny’  
‘What’s funny?’  
‘You really think _that_ is a stupid sketch and it’s the best thing I’ve seen in a while. The author loved it, he said he didn’t need anything else, it was perfect. Ryan loved it, he wanted you with us from the very first moment.’  
‘How is that funny?’ Dan asked frowning.  
‘If you really think this is the less of you that you can offer, labeling a great work with “stupid”, I’m really curious about what you can do.’  
Dan was speechless, his gaze lost in Phil’s eyes, his mind racing.  
‘It’s okay, you don’t have to say yes right now. I’ll let you think’  
He crushed his lips together anxiously, not knowing how to respond to that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let me know if there is anything wrong! :)


	15. fifteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey! I don't know if I'm going to be able to post until january, as christmas is coming and I've got finals the first week of january, but I'll try!  
> the thing is, I figured out I could post this, leave you with the heart full and mind dirty.  
> I hope you like it, let me know what you think in the comments!  
> :)

Creative. _Creative._  
All his life he had followed an already stablished path, making sure he stayed on track, making everything everyone expected him to do.  
Creative.  
He followed his parents' path all his life. His mind, not his heart.  
Lawer. Creative.  
It didn't make sense. He wasn't creative.  
But how easy it was to move his hands when he found a pencil between his fingertips. Weird.  
Creative.  
He could say it a million times and still wouldn't make sense. Phil had shown him so many things, and he was there again, trying to define Dan as creative. But what had he do? A simple drawing, not much. He hadn't put much effort into it, it was just like a hobby. Something simple.  
Law was difficult. It was a challenge. He didn't understand it most of the time, that was why he needed so much time with it. Money. Effort.  
He hadn't felt that way thinking about that project. It was really fun, filling his mind and his whole body with images, the desire to make things right how they wanted it. It was the paper the one that was screaming him what to draw, what lines to follow, which path to chose. It was easy.  
So what was the right choice?  
He needed to do what everybody expected him to do. He needed to do it in so he could say “I'm a lawyer. This is who I am. Respect me”  
But what about his dreams. What about the things he did enjoy doing. What about his heart, his pride, his needs.  
He entered the bathroom slowly, dragging his feet through the carpet. Phil was still sleeping in the bed, probably not thinking about anything. He came across his reflection, staring at him with a glint of sadness, like his mother would look at him after finding out he wasn't serious enough about his career.  
There were water spots in the mirror, trying to hide something that was growing inside of him. A big, impulsive desire to become someone new. Someone he liked.  
He turned on the shower, letting the sound fill in his ears, trying to suppress all the voices in his head.  
Creative mind.  
He got in the shower and let the water washed every word inside of his head.  
Phil had changed his life. There were dreams in his head now. Urge, ambition.  
Aspirations.  
He got out of the shower and wrapped himself in a towel, his reflection still looking at him.  
Once he was no longer wet, he dropped the towel and approached the bed slowly, his mind trying to process his actions, as he was moving without thinking.  
Once beneath the duvet, Phil's body breathing slowly, he crawled into his arms, his head looking for his neck.  
Phil woke up smiling, one eye open.  
'Hey' he said softly, 'are you naked? You feel soft'  
'Yeah' Dan muttered against his neck, Phil's hands caressing his back lightly, 'feels good'.  
They stayed like that for a few minutes, enjoying each other's presence.  
'Why were you awake?'  
'I couldn't sleep' Dan admitted quietly.  
'Why? Bad dream?' Phil was stroking his hair so gently Dan couldn't find any words to say to him, his body almost melting with him.  
Dan didn't know when and where Phil had found his way into his mind, knowing things he wasn't even able to say. It was so easy for him to stir a little, move away from his neck to look into his eyes and make a weird noise so Phil could know exactly what to ask next.  
'It is because of the job, isn't it?' the man inquired quietly, moving his head closer to Dan's face so he could peck his lips softly, 'don't you think is a little too early to worry about that?'  
His words were sneaking into his skin so easily, making his whole body relax under that kind of spell.  
'Yeah' he murmured, closing his eyes and letting Phil's finger ease his anxiety, 'you're right'  
'Do you want to talk about it? I could make you some tea, hear your thoughts about it' Dan smiled widely at the offer, his eyes still close.  
He was a little bit emotional that morning, he could feel tears begin to gather along his water line. He was so lucky, buried in the bed of his best friend, listening to someone who wanted to hear him complaining at 6 am in the morning.  
Best friend. He repeated it in his mind one more time. He hadn't had a best friend, it wasn't his thing. Everybody was too busy all the time.  
Dan opened his eyes slowly, letting the tear fall down his cheek, and looked into Phil's eyes.  
'I'm a little bit scared' he admitted. He felt his body shaking, all the thoughts in his head ready to come out of his mouth.  
But he couldn't. He felt like he shouldn't, Phil didn't need that stutter, the doubts, all the “you're not good enough”.  
Dan stared at Phil's face, taking in everything in it. His eyes were bright blue, his skin pale, the freckles on his nose hugging the circles under his eyes. He was so beautiful.  
He felt his breathing start to slow, six words inside his head on repeat, 'I want to let him in'.  
Phil was waiting patiently, looking at him like he could read all the words in his head.  
He wanted to scream.  
  
_“I want to let you in._  
_I want to tell you why I don't feel like taking the job. Why I am so afraid to disappoint myself._  
_I don't know who I am. I don't know if I can do this right._  
_I don't know if I am good enough._  
_I want to let you in.”_  
  
'What are you thinking?' Phil asked, Dan's frown too obvious.  
  
_'I want to let you in'_ , he repeated in his head, ready to say it out loud.  
  
'You know you can talk to me, right?' he pushed, stroking his head again, trying to calm him down.  
'Y-Yeah. It's too difficult sometimes' he said, inhaling deeply immediately after, 'I-I just... I...'  
'It's okay, Dan' he said softly, 'don't have to talk about it if you don't want to'  
'I want you' he said eagerly, caught his eyes with his own, his body shaking.  
'What?' Phil asked confused, 'I thought you mea-'  
'I want you inside of me. I want you to know I want all of you.'  
'Are you- Do you...?' Phil was blinking quickly, his mind racing at Dan's words.  
'Yeah. Want all of you like that. I want you'  
Phil's eyes moved to Dan's lips, and Dan found himself doing the same. Phil smiled lightly and nodded, waiting for the boy.  
'Phil', Dan said again, 'I want to let you in'  
Dan felt the weight of those words come out of his body, making his head lightweight. His body was shaking, and he couldn't stop staring at Phil, too much emotion running through his body. Phil nodded again, 'I know, and I want that too'  
'Not just... I don't just mean the-'  
'I know' Phil said, wrapping his arm around Dan's waist, gently pressing his lips to Dan's neck.  
He could feel his mouth open to let out a quiet moan, his eyes closing at the sensation. 'Phil' he said in a whisper, letting his head fall back as Phil's fingers found his hips and pressed in.  
The man moved his head so he could find his mouth, kissing him hard and slow, giving him enough time between kisses to moan.  
Dan got impossibly closer to him, feeling something inside his chest. Something racing into his body, as hot as the shower, soaking everything inside of him, 'I need you' he gasped, not even thinking about how much he meant those words.  
He breathed in fast, feeling every centimeter of his body too sensitive. Everything around him was Phil, and it didn't look like anything he had ever had. He felt his breath beginning to shake as Phil's hand slip lower, holding him completely, beginning to pull Dan even closer to him. He felt him hard against him.  
'Let me take off my shirt' he heard Phil said, and pulled back so he could let the man do that. He felt his body shake, eyeing as the man slid on top of him slowly, 'are you cold?'  
'No' he answered quickly, 'I just need you'  
Phil giggled softly and placed a kiss on his forehead, then his cheek, his nose, and finally his lips.  
'Are you sure you want to do this?' he asked quietly, looking at him lovingly. He could feel his love. He was almost sure he could feel how he loved him.  
The anticipation made his body hum, 'yeah', responded.  
Dan's hand slid against the man's bare back as they kissed again, his fingertips searching for his neck, his shoulders, his lower back. His chests were touching, and Dan felt like he couldn't breathe but also like every breath he took was from Phil's body.  
'I want more' he heard himself saying, his fingernails almost digging into Phil's skin, 'I want it all'  
'Turn over, baby' Phil said lowly, backing off him. He heard as the man opened the drawer by his bed and took lube and a condom from it.  
Dan felt alive, turning over eagerly, gasping when he felt Phil straddling his thighs, leaning down, sliding his hands all over his body.  
'I love you' Phil said. He felt his body shuddering, his eyes closing slowly.  
Phil kissed down his spine, and Dan moaned again. Maybe it was too much.  
'Can I touch you?' Phil asked carefully.  
But it was not too much. It was perfect. He nodded, feeling Phil's fingertips sliding against his ass, parting his legs slowly.  
'Touch me. I really want you to touch me' he said, too impatient.  
Phil's fingers dropped and began to circle him slowly. He wasn't scared anymore. He didn't want to stop.  
'Relax, okay? I want it to feel good.' Phil said against his ear softly, 'If you want to stop, just say it'  
'I don't want to stop'  
He couldn't see it, but Phil nodded slowly and got the lube all over his fingers, beginning to push inside of him. Dan moaned, his skin too sensitive.  
He wetted his lips. They were dry. He felt Phil's finger working on his ass, prepping him.  
He inhaled shakily, trying to steady himself. He opened his legs wider, feeling two fingers inside of him now.  
Dan felt himself rock against Phil's fingers, just a little. He felt ready. It was starting to feel really good.  
'Oh my god' he heard himself say, feeling safe under Phil's body.  
Phil added a third slowly, breathing against his back. He felt his hips moving a little more, his eyes opening slowly, his mouth open.  
They searched and pressed, founding the slightest brush against his prostate, a moan slipping out of his mouth.  
'Fuck, Phil' he said, 'I think I'm ready'  
'Turn over' Phil responded, 'I want to see you'  
He obliged, watching as Phil took off his pants and placed himself between his legs. His eyes were shining, his smile so bright.  
Dan's eyes were wide as he watched Phil sit back and put a condom on, lubing himself up. Phil looked down at him, eyes heavy, 'what are you thinking?'  
'You look so hot' he said harshly.  
Phil giggled loudly and drew near his face, placing a kiss on his lips.  
Dan closed his eyes and breathed out, his body ready, 'come here' he said.  
He felt Phil began to press in, but he didn't feel pain. He was expecting pain, but it was not like that.  
He felt love. It hurt a little, but it was not pain.  
'Hey' he heard him say, 'breathe'  
He breathed, looking at him. Phil was waiting patiently, his body adjusting slowly, 'you can move now' he said.  
Phil began to move slowly, Dan moaning quietly, 'fuck'  
They were together. Completely united. There was no one in the world but them.  
Dan looked at him in the eye, feeling him pressing in harder.  
'Does it feel good?'  
'Yeah' he said, 'yeah, fuck, it does'  
'You feel amazing, Dan' Phil said, meeting him in a deep kiss. Phil's thrusts deepened with a wider rock of his hips.  
He knew he wanted it. His body wanted it, to be marked, pulled apart, put back together starting with the place where they were connected.  
They were connected. Finally. And it didn't hurt.  
Dan heard his voice getting louder, Phil's hips thrusting into him faster, making him moan with every movement.  
'Fuck, Phil' he said roughly, 'you feel so fucking good.'  
He stared as Phil shoved his leg up higher, beginning to thrust deeper, pressing against his prostate.  
'Oh, fuck me' he practically yelled, closing his eyes tightly. His hands wrapped around Phil's shoulder, he felt every centimeter of Phil inside of him, finding that place again and again, making him scream again and again.  
'Touch me, please' he said, this time in a whisper. Phil wrapped his hand around his cock firmly, moving it at the same pace as his hips, making him roll his eyes back, 'fuck'  
'Come for me, Dan' Phil muttered against his ear, thrusting into him hard.  
And Dan obliged, pulling his head back, digging his nails into Phil's skin, screaming, spilling out all of him.  
'Fuck, Phil, _fuck_ ' he heard him say, over and over, his hole clenching around Phil's cock, making the man come with him.  
  
Breathing in slowly, he saw come on his stomach and chest. He looked at Phil as the man removed the condom from his leaking cock and threw himself onto the bed beside him.  
'I love you' he heard him say against his skin.  
His body shuddered again. Love.  
This is what love is made of.  
'I love you too, Phil' he breathed out, smiling so widely his lips hurt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for all your nice comments and kudos, and don't forget to tell me if there is anything wrong in the chapter! :)


	16. sixteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry I'm posting this too late- also it's kinda short.   
> but something weird happened.  
> if you don't care about my personal life it's okay, just skip this and read the chapter!  
> I wanted to share this with you  
> while I was writing this chapter I realized I was too involved in Dan's character. and I wanted him to be happy and to pursue his dreams so bad, I didn't really understand why.  
> so I began to question my own decisions in life. you see, I'm almost 22 and currently studying chemistry, only a few months from getting my degree and finally ending college.  
> and I know I'm not happy. I don't really want to be a chemist, work in a shitty lab for a few years and end up being a teacher. I mean, it's okay, it just isn't for me. I don't love chemistry that much.  
> I was portraying my own feelings when I wrote this and I recently discovered it.  
> so that's it. just letting you know I needed a few days to get my thoughts straight and realize what I want.   
> just letting you know that as soon as I finish my degree I'm going to study arts.  
> yep.  
> writing this fanfic really helped me find my true passion and I'm really happy about it.  
> thank you all for reading this and for your amazing comments and kudos, you made me keep writing this and you really, literally, changed my life
> 
>  
> 
> anyway, that was corny af, sorry for being this emotional  
> hope you enjoyed this chapter, only a few more to go! :)

Dan had been on the phone for at least one hour. In the meantime, Phil had been wandering the house thinking about him.  
He was staring at the bed sheets for the fourth time that day. Since he got off the bed that same morning, he had decided not to touch them again. They were perfectly messy, releasing a smell he had never know. It was weird, staring at his own bed like that, knowing it would never be the same for him.  
Dan had altered so many things when he came into his life, he wasn’t sure anymore if there was a single thing in his house that didn’t remind him of the boy. Since he first placed his feet on his floor, his fingertips on each bookshelf, it just wasn’t the same. It wasn’t his house anymore.  
It was their home.  
Phil kept wandering the house for a little bit, stopping when he spotted Dan in the street, on his knees, hands on his face.

* * *

 

There was one thing Phil didn’t understand. Just one.  
How could people be mad about decisions they didn’t make, about other people’s life.  
At what point had someone felt so empowered that they felt like judging someone else’s dreams and feelings? When did they feel their own’s just weren’t enough?  
He had listened to Dan cry everything within him, like every thought inside his brain caused him pain.  
Clenching his teeth, he walked upstairs to look for something that had been in his house since he was little.   
Once he was glued to him again, his legs wrapped around him, his mouth wiping the tears from his neck, he opened the smallest book the boy had ever seen.   
‘What is that?’ he asked, rubbing his eyes.  
‘This is the most ridiculous thing you are going to see in your entire life” Phil said with a grin, ‘brace yourself’  
He was able to make the boy smile for a little amount of time, enjoying each second of it, ‘I don’t even know how to describe it to you. It’s like my dream book’  
It was ridiculous to be showing it to somebody. He had grown up with that book on his hands, writing everything he had ever dream about.   
Utterly ridiculous, like the first time he wrote “write a book”, not knowing he would be a publisher just a few years later, the one in charge of making other people’s dream come true. Phil smiled slightly when he noticed the green tick next to his first dream.   
‘I used to write all these stupid dreams in here. Whenever I felt like doing something for the rest of my life, I just wrote it down in my book. That way, when I felt like I couldn’t make it, I just read it again on my book and remembered that I once wrote that knowing I would do it someday’ He stopped for a second and inhaled deeply, ‘That little thing is the most private thing that I own, and I’m extremely embarrassed about it. But everything I've had ever dreamed about is written down here'  
Dan carefully read every page, taking in each dream like it was the most important thing he had ever read.  
‘Hug a dog’ he read out loud in a mocking voice.  
‘Hey, no teasing. It was a big deal for me at the time’ Phil snapped.  
‘Why are you showing me this now?’ Dan asked feeling a little bit emotional.  
‘Because I want you to make one’  
Absurd, entirely ridiculous. Just like convincing a grown-ass adult to write his dreams on a notebook; like giving someone who's been using black pens all his life a red crayon.   
As nonsensical as a mother judging his child because he can't be happy the way she wants him to.   
‘Go ahead' he said.  
Wrapped around him, his hands were traveling his back lovingly, staring at him while he explored every dream inside his heart.   
Travel to NY, cook a really nice cake, were some of the things he managed to read from his dream book.  
“Mmm, I really think I should do this alone,” Dan said a couple of minutes later.  
‘Why? Are you going to write about me?’ he asked happily, ready to leave the room.  
‘I don’t know. Maybe’ he responded, cherishing Phil's respect.  
He waited in the kitchen, making some tea for both of them, wishing his idea would work.  
‘I’m done’ he heard Dan shouting from the sofa.  
He placed the tea on the table and throw himself on the couch, ready to listen.  
‘Okay, whenever you’re ready’  
Dan cleared his throat trying to catch his attention and giggled a Little, ‘I’m nervous’  
‘Don’t be. I’m sure mine were worst’ he assured him, placing his hand on Dan’s cheeks.  
‘Get a dog…’ he started, ‘travel to NY, have a family, cook a really nice cake, make my parents proud, work on something I love, I don’t what to read this, get in sha-‘  
‘Hey, what was that?’ Phil interrupted him.  
‘What? Nothing’ he said trying to hide a smile.  
‘That’s cheating, tell me’  
‘I really don’t want to’  
‘Why? Come on just tell me, I won’t judge you’  
‘It’s extremely cheesy and I literally can’t say it out loud’  
‘Just say it, Dan!’  
‘Fine, ugh’ he took a big breath and closed his eyes, ‘be with Phil. Yeah, that was it’  
Phil giggled a little and covered his smile with his hand, ‘okay, you may keep going now’  
‘Asshole’ Dan muttered, clearing his throat once again, ‘Um, get in shape and… that’s it.’  
‘That’s it?’  
‘Yep’  
‘Are you sure?’ Phil asked one more time, receiving a sidelong glance from him.  
‘Yes, Phil, just… Just let it be, okay? I have my own life, I can make my own decisions. I- I don’t want to work with you, okay?’ he snapped, getting up and pressing the palm of his hands against his eyes, ‘just leave me alone’  
Phil stood still, his grimace really obvious, and nodded in silence.  
‘Life is not always easy in the real world, you know? People… Sometimes people struggle, it may not be like that in your stupid books, but it is difficult’ he said angrily, his eyes closed.  
‘Dan, I didn’t say it was an easy decisi-‘  
‘Shut up, okay? Shut up’ Dan sputtered, ‘just shut up’  
Phil inhaled slowly, letting the air fill his lungs while he thought about Dan’s words, not knowing what to do next.  
‘All my fucking life I’ve been living something not mine, not even once… This’ he said, violently grabbing his sweater, ‘this fucking thing is a gift from my mom. Like everything in my life, it was her decision. SHE liked it. She wanted me to have it’  
‘Do you like it?’ Phil asked in a whisper.  
‘Yeah, I do. But that’s not the point’ he responded, already wandering the space near the couch, ‘I don’t feel confident enough to make this decision.’  
‘Why?’ Phil was patiently waiting for Dan to elaborate, knowing he only needed support.  
‘Because what if they don’t like it? What if they think it’s not worth it, or not good enough? Also, what if I am not good enough for this job?’ he was blurting everything out, his mouth moving faster than his thoughts, ‘I don’t know, Phil, everything has changed since I first placed my feet on this fucking house. Sorry, it’s not about this house. Your house is great.’  
Phil laughed quietly, his eyes deeply looking at Dan’s face, ‘it’s not that great’  
‘Yeah, it is. But do you want to know why? Because it’s yours, this is everything you made. Your work, the amount of time you have spent in front of your desk, all your ideas, your decisions. You made this house and I fucking love that’  
He laughed again, this time more relaxed, ‘you’re swearing a lot’  
‘I know, I’m sorry’ he said, the volume of his voice decreasing, ‘You know what? I’m not sorry, that’s how I fucking talk when I’m angry’  
Phil was about to ask another question, but Dan was much faster, throwing himself on top of him and kissing him thoroughly. His hands were grabbing his hair, his hips adjusting so his chest was firmly pressed against Phil’s.  
Everything about that moment was violent, the way their mouths were moving, like their lips were trying to harm. They seemed hungry, drinking from each other desperately, trying to be as close as their allowed.  
‘I just want to be with you’ Dan said in a whisper, ending the kiss to bite his lips, looking at him through his lashes, ‘I just fucking want to be with you’  
‘So be with me’ Phil responded.  
‘I don’t know how to do that. I don’t know how to tell my mom that I found some guy who offered me a job and I’m leaving college’  
‘How about you introduce me to her?’ Phil asked, an idea forming in his head.  
‘What?’ he said, his eyes big.  
‘You know I’m not just “some guy”, right? So what about you tell her about me. Talk about my job, your future job. Or just tell her you don’t want to be a lawyer, I really don’t think she could make that decision for you, you are the one living inside this body, Dan. You need to do whatever you want in order to be happy, not your mom’ he said, noticing how Dan’s face was changing with every word, ‘You don’t have to tell her that, you know, that w-we are something.’  
‘Yeah, we are. I will’ he said, placing a kiss on his smiling lips, ‘I will fucking tell her because I fucking love you’  
Dan was already merging his mouths together before he could even swallow all of that.  
‘I will call her tomorrow’ he said while kissing his way down to his sternum, ‘I'm planning on giving a blowjob to “this guy” now'  
Phil giggled a little, his cheeks turning red, and nodded in response.  
It was so easy, to shiver with the foresight of the pleasure, anticipating each and every one of the glances Dan would shoot him. Dan, who was lovingly placing kisses on his thighs like it was the easiest thing on the planet. With an easy movement, Phil watched as he unbuckled his pants and began massaging his dick, a wide smile on his lips.  
Phil withdrew his eyes from the boy for a moment to assimilate the big amount of his life that did also belong to Dan now.  
Starting with his own dick.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let me know if there is something wrong!  
> and sorry about the last part... I'll make it up for you! :)  
> thank you again :)))))


End file.
